Friday, June 12, 2009

My Life In Dreams


4 years old

Chapter 2


His mocking eyes were staring at me in the rear view mirror. Arms crossed, shoulders back, chin up; he was in control and he knew it. I hated the petite features on his face when I knew the evil within him was not petite. He'd had hold of my life since before I was born; I often wonder if he knew what he was doing from the beginning. His curly, thinning hair always looked so stupid; clearly no one had the guts to tell him. I'm guessing this isn't really the time. I needed to figure out how I was going to get out of my car alive.

The winding curves on this downhill roller coaster of a mountain were too much for my 77', light blue, Dodge Plymouth. Only understanding by an impossibly tight wheel, there was no power steering. The wheel didn't feel strong enough to hold my death grip. The tighter I wrapped my fingers around it, the more my sweaty palms slid down the sides. I kept seeing what seemingly were rock walls whipping by my peripheral vision, causing the lump in my stomach to grow that much heavier with every tighter curve.

The seats were vinyl and because my whole body was drenched with sweat, I kept sliding around, not able to keep my foot on the break. It wasn't working anyway, so I'm not sure why I was so desperate to pound on it with every fiber of my being. My life was at stake; again. All my muscles were tightened further with ever turn. In the midst of my panic, I'm trying to remember when I'd felt this fear before; it didn't matter, it was gripping my body with fury.

With a slow, soft, controlled tone {Mr. Malefic} let out, I told you I'd come back for you when you were least expecting it. I warned you about leaving. My heart was pounding so hard, I could physically see my chest moving through my shirt. My thoughts were scattered, I thought I'd moved far enough away that he wouldn't know where I lived. I promised myself I'd be careful, where did I go wrong?! Too many people know where I am. I'm so stupid. With all of my strength, I kept myself from looking in the mirror; knowing he would see the overwhelming fear.

My eyes were starting to blur and I couldn't see the road in front of me. My body started to no longer sweat and shake, but was becoming numb. I didn't have the strength to turn the wheel any longer; what was happening to me? This couldn't be the end! He couldn't win! I'd worked so hard to live after what I thought was my death, only to die at the hands of this disgusting, pathetic excuse for a man? I started to scream, yet I didn't hear anything coming out of my mouth. My eyes darted back to the mirror; he was gone. That son of a bitch figured out how to get out of the car! Why was this happening to me?!

Before I could think, I simply let go of the steering wheel. The car obeyed my command by driving straight over the cliff that I'd so vehemently tried with all my power to avoid for what seemed like hours. I laid my head back on the seat, closed my eyes and gave up. Just before the car hit the bottom; my body jolted straight up and I made a sound comparable to a child desperate for help. I was alive.

The room looked so dark and it was as quiet as when I had fallen asleep. Nothing had moved; all was the same with the world. My breathing was heavy and my clothes were drenched. My sheets needed to be washed for the second time that week and it was only Wednesday. I felt alone; no, lonely. Where was everyone and how had my life come to this; sitting alone in a dark apartment, surrounded by a sweat soaked bed wondering if I should try and go back to sleep for the fear of another nightmare.

I decided against it. Crawling to the other side of the bed, I got up only to feel my bare feet melting into the soft carpet. Once I stripped my clothes off, I found my trusty, consoling robe that a friend of mine bought me for my birthday just before I left PA. Her words were, Whether you're here in Pennsylvania, at your dad's house or in a strange city, a robe always makes you feel at home. She was right.

The light of my computer was blinking from the living room and I walked toward it. Taking my routine position on the couch, I opened the laptop that held the secrets of my life. Opening the file named 'Book', I was comforted by the knowledge that this writing therapy would pull me back to the reality of where I was and where I was going.


4 comments:

Erin said...

You write so beautifully. I felt myself clenching the entire time I was reading! Thanks for sharing. Have a good weekend!

Lauren said...

Thanks for sharing...you have such a gift for writing!

MissBliss said...

Wow, so powerful, what impact your writing has!!

Lindsey said...

WOW! You are an amazing writer, seriously! Wow.