Safety Zone

************************ This is a post I wrote when I very first started my blog back in April of 08'. It's a little deep for Friday, but with some of the stuff I'm going through right now, the safety I have in my husband means so much. So, I'm reposting this one as most of you likely haven't read it. Enjoy and happy Friday!


For all you sports fans, you clearly know what the safety zone is. For those of you who aren't, I'll tell you about my safety zone -- To the side of my blog it used to state states that I will "Laugh, cry with you on this blog..." and I kept wondering when I'd write something about me crying, I mean, that's a little personal, right? Truth is, life is personal... your marriage is personal... your heart and what you're facing is personal and if what I face helps anyone, then I'll put my personal stuff out there --

With a knot in my throat and the heavy beat of my heart pounding in my ears, I'll tell you about my dad. When people say "he's the best dad in the world" I know they haven't met my dad. He really is the best dad in the world. My mother left us when I was 18 months old and my father worked 3 jobs to support us... he didn't leave. Growing up he used to play "Rainy Days on Mondays" when I would cry and he watched Land Before Time with me a thousand times. He would take me to work with him and tell me I was the best helper in the world (he laid tile... not sure how a six year old could help, but I was the best). On the weekends he'd take us to the beach and play with me in the ocean for hours on end... I always felt safe, even in the midst of the mightiness of the ocean. And every night before bed he'd say "don't let the bed bugs bite" and today, if we talk at night, he still does. He always knows what to say and never says what he knows I can't handle. He is the best dad in the world and my ever present safety zone.

Since the time I can remember I've had nightmares that my dad had died. When I married Mr. Realife, it was almost a bitter sweet day as I understood he would now be 'the man' in my life. It takes time to build that unbending trust, especially when it comes to sensitive issues such as my nightmares. We are brand new in our marriage and I had my first nightmare with him there on Monday. I didn't know how he was going to react.

As I always have, I woke up shaking and sobbing and had to call my dad. His voice would assure me things were OK. There I stood on our back porch, at 5:00 in the morning, sobbing on the phone to my dad. Mr. R walks out with a really puzzled look on his face. I was a bit embarrassed {and now annoyed at myself} and shewed him away. He didn't leave. He stood waiting patiently and with empathy in his eyes.

I hung up and he asked what happened. Through my blubbering and blowing my nose I explained and he listened. Pretending he could understand what I was saying, he led me back to the bedroom. Without a word he got in bed, pulled the covers up, pulled me into his arms and held me until I fell asleep... For the first time, I knew I had a safety zone in this amazing man that I married.

Better To Have Loved...

Remember when you were a little girl or boy and you had that favorite shirt, doll, superhero, or blankie? Do you remember the emotions that followed when one of those things was gone? Here is a picture of my sweet niece who was clearly very sad that all the stickers were gone:

If I could get away with it, this is the face I'd have every time my "stickers" were taken away -- Seriously... What is a life without stickers!? While we may be laughing, it's not funny to Cassidy because stickers really are what she loves at this time in her life -- As adults, we're all grown up and stickers are no longer the love, and therefore, loss of our lives -- Instead, we choose to make deeper and more significant things important to us -- We choose to open the door to our heart, let it take a seat and get comfortable, feed and nourish it, give it a bedroom and toiletries so to feel at home -- We choose to genuinely love it... them, him, her -- We choose to love and therefore create the risk of loss --

This is the risk we take when we love

I lived 10 years just 20 minutes outside Philadelphia and every fall since I left, I've mourned the loss of the trees exploding with their vibrant colors as though a crayon box threw up on them -- I l.o.v.e.d. it -- Fall isn't the only thing I mourn loosing, though -- I left friends I'd known since I (or they) were born and those who maybe I'd known just 10 years, but were like brothers and sisters to me... these weren't just High School buddies or Sorority sisters, these are the men and women I went to war with (clearly just an expression, I'm no G.I. Joe) - Yet, after the Great Break (you'll understand if you've read I'm Not, I'm Dan...), I had to leave because it was what I needed to do to move on and live the life I knew I was meant to...

This passed weekend I returned to Pennsylvania because my very close friend, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding and is having twins (lucky dawg), was having her baby shower -- It was wonderful... I stayed with my best friend, Le (who you can read about here) and her family the first night and I got all reconnected, ya know? Sunday I went to lunch with another great friend and bridesmaid, Jamie, who I just admire so much -- I went to Robin's Shower and I was able to visit with Joanna, Hillary, Hilary, Anita, Renee and... the list goes on -- I stayed that evening with Brenda, who is one of my mentors (more about her later) - we had a laughingly good time -- Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, I had breakfast with Michelle and her two sweet babies -- I am one lucky girl... one very loved woman --

Who I'm not telling you about are the others whom I went to war with, some were roomies, others acquaintances... each special in their own way, each have touched my heart, each I have let into my heart and loved them -- These men and women I no longer seem to know... I could no longer tell you their favorite restaurant or TV show, I couldn't tell you what they've been facing lately or what they did for their last birthday... I don't know them and they don't know me... anymore -- They have also loved and lost and they have chosen to move on in their own way... without me -- I guess that's fair, because I went my own way, too -- We have gone our own ways and with that, chosen our own perceptions of one another -- It's just that to loose them, to truly let go of and separate myself from their lives... really hurts --

As I was leaving the baby shower, I thanked the girls who were serving the alcohol and food and one of the girls I'd lost connection with grabbed me, took me around the corner and reassured me with slight laughter in her voice We're paying them to be here -- Because she knows (or knew) me so well, she knew I'd thought they were volunteering (sort of an inside joke) and I laughed so hard, I almost cried (it really was funny in the moment) --

I took that chance to connect with her... I just wanted you to know that while we don't communicate with each other, I think of you often -- I knew I risked sounding cliche, so I continued with a touch to her arm to stop her from brushing me off -- I'm serious... we lived 3 years together and we used to laugh so hard, we'd cry and nearly pee our pants -- You taught me how to laugh, you taught me to laugh at myself and you taught me to laugh at the stuff we can't control -- Only people you really love (and love you) can effect you the way you effected my life and you need to know that my first year of marriage was saved because I was able to laugh... You did that and I needed to know -- Now I was (almost) crying and she gave me a huge hug --

Her face softened, her clear misconceptions of me diminished and she was then vulnerable to me in a way she used to be and I was able to let her know Good, that just means you're normal, like the rest of us -- This amazing woman and I were two completely different people from 4 years ago since the Great Break -- We stood there looking at each other knowing that we used to be so close and in a moment's time, we were lifetimes apart -- While we may never really connect again, I had my closure that night... I was able to settle the loss of a best friend --

Why do I speak of loss? Because it's all around us... only the things we let in our hearts have the power to hurt us -- When you get married, it's likely the biggest risk you can take -- Too many face the loss of their marriage, their partner, the one person they made themselves most vulnerable too -- When I left Pennsylvania this last time, I left another piece of my heart behind, I closed relationships that will likely never be reopened, but I carry with me the gifts that they gave me and that was worth the risk of loving them --

I had another friend of mine, Michelle, call me out of the blue (which she's really good at) and after a 45 minute conversation we were saying our goodbye's and she stopped me... She said Anna, I know that when you love, you love deeply and it's been hard for you to separate yourself from everyone, but now that you're married, you have one love that's above all other loves... so love him and love him wholly, because he's the one love that's not going away --

If ever there were a man to love me, it would be Dan -- If there were ever a woman to love Dan, it would be me -- We love each other to the absolute best of our abilities and when we fall short, it is not purposeful, but simply out of ignorance -- I have learned to listen when he's not speaking and he's learned to hear me when I am -- We've learned to ask the right questions and wait for not the response we want, but the one that's given -- We will grow old together and know that it was better to have loved...

I'm not, I'm Dan...

For those of you who've asked...

I was 26 years old, heading to 27 like I was afraid I wouldn’t get there and just beginning to live my life – Having just left a 10 year abusive relationship (not with a man) which I like to refer to as "The Great Break", I was depressed, angry, in deep pain and utterly confused – I had more people telling me what they thought I should do than I have pairs of underwear and so the possibility of hearing my own voice was as likely as a fish understanding English – After six months of this tumultuous lifestyle, I knew the only way to truly find myself was to get away from everything/one that had defined who I was up until that point –

I found myself at my dad’s house for the next 6 months – My parents live in a town of about 500 people, so I knew I was safe from anyone and everyone’s influences (not that anyone knew I was there) – It was the best move I could have made, although the loss of closeness of so many friends was a bit torturous (love you, PA friends!) – I was able to take a deep breath; breathing in peace, acceptance, empathy and again… no opinions – My parents were a saving grace – Then, one year and 5 days from The Great Break, I found myself back in school pursuing my Master’s in Counseling, knowing full well I was there to get the counseling I needed for myself – It worked –

There I was in a new city, not knowing a soul, in my own apartment and living life completely on my own for the first time in my entire life – I stayed to myself for a year… I didn’t want anyone to know me and I didn’t want to know them – I didn’t want people to know my life story, where I’d been, what I’d accomplished or even why I was there at school – I just wanted to be…

It was another year later (for those of you who’ve lost track, it was now two years since the break up) and the few women I had let into my life, pulled me by my bra straps to a “Harbor Fest” for some good fun (did I just say good fun?) – As irony would have it, a few hours into our good fun and just as it was getting dark, I was separated from the girls – As I walked through a claustrophobic crowd of people, I was trying to hear my friend on the cell phone (over music being preformed by Collective Soul) who was telling me We’re over by the tree and as I look around, I see 26 trees (funny, Cynthia) – Next thing I know, I trip over someone’s foot –

I turn to see he is tall, incredibly handsome, blond, and had gorgeous blue eyes – I instinctively say in my most flirtatious voice I’m sorry! He reaches out his hand… I’m not, I’m Dan…

The Reality of Happily Ever After

Reality is so much more interesting than Happily Ever After
Grey's Anatomy

I must preface this post by stating the fact that I'm not one that buys into the Hollywood fantasy life -- I realize that behind the drama of love and bliss are lights, cameras and cue cards -- So... why would I be using a quote from one of the very shows I don't buy into? Because I love irony...

If there were ever a Romantic Optimist, her name would be Anna (that's me!) -- and if there were ever a Realistic Realist, his name would be Dan (that's my husband!) and if there were ever a couple more different... that would be Anna and Dan (that's us!) -- I would love to tell you that our days are filled with joyous laughter, sweet nothings and whispers of love in each others ears... but I won't lie -- Although my life growing up was the farthest picture from fantasy, I most certainly believed that because my marriage would be mine, I would make it picture perfect -- (do I hear laughter?)

Dan and I celebrated one year of what some would refer to as the 'Happily Ever After' time period this past weekend and I'm alive to tell you about it... that's a good sign -- As a writer, I could use a lot of fluffy words to tell you about our blissfully romantic getaway and all the sweet lovey-dovey things we did, and you might just even ooh and aah over it all, but you get enough of that on Gossip Girl, Grey's and Desperate Housewives -- I want you to see that while Dan and my life, as Chapters says, is perfect, even when its not, it's by no means a fantasy, it's reality and it's so much more interesting than Happily Ever After --

Looking back is healthy and helps you move forward if you look properly -- Sometimes I feel like we have to see where we've been to remind us of where we're going -- I see milestones, such as our one year anniversary, as opportunities to stop within the whirlwind of life and refocus our lives on what's important -- In discussing our first year together, I asked Dan what his favorite part of our first year was and he said he'd have to think about it... (surprised?) Well, being me, I'd already thought about my favorite stuff -- It came down to two things... 1) I feel more secure and stable now than I ever have... I truly belong somewhere and I'm wanted there -- 2) We've become and are continuing to become best friends --

Dan and I knew each other all of 4 months when he proposed -- Yep..... something I vowed I'd never do, I did it -- Although then I told him I wanted 4 more seasons together -- Unbeknown to us, those next 4 seasons were filled with more stresses than one should ever have to endure -- Planning the wedding, full-time school, part-time work, interning 25 hours a week, commuting back and forth to Dan's (an hour away), Dan's father dying, building a house, moving to a new city and.............. do you need more? It wasn't exactly a breeding ground for mushy gushy, although we understood if we could make it through those times, we could make it through anything --

Once we put ourselves in a situation where we were inevitably inseparable (a little something called marriage), we had the opportunity to either become the best of friends or the greatest of enemies -- Some of you may have had the luxury of being friends first -- Clearly, Dan and I liked each other and certainly loved one another enough to marry, but true friendship takes a long time to develop -- What I've discovered and now hold as my true belief is Friendship is not born out of love, but love is born from friendship -- The reality of this friendship is so much more invigorating than a fantasy wonderland relationship --

The truest and most intimate of times are when Dan and I look at each other and know what we're thinking or when I hear stress in Dan's voice and I'm able to make him laugh -- How Dan can make fun of me when I get a shit-eatin' grin on my face while watching a romantic movie or the fact that I can bust on Dan for over exaggerating and he on me for overreacting to nothing -- How we don't have to explain ourselves when we're in a poopy mood and we're short with each other and the way we laugh about nothing until we can't breath -- It's being able to need alone time without the other getting offended and asking one another about our days because we sincerely care -- It's the kisses goodbye and love ya's before we hang up -- It's really the small things that make our marriage what it is --

So, today or any other time when you're bumming about your marriage not being what you'd expected it to be, think about what really matters... think of how the real things, the small things, the behind the scene things are what's keeping your marriage alive and kickin' -- Those are the things that make up your Happily Ever After --

p.s. --

I have a little secret that's helped me along through my first year -- There is a well renown Marriage and Family Therapist I just absolutely love -- His name is John Gottman and you can find out more about him by clicking here -- He wrote a book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work and the wisdom found in these pages is incredible -- I'm not one for just do these 10 things and you'll have a perfect life kind of books, but I did read through certain sections I knew I personally had issues with and it really helped --

p.p.s. --

Dan and I went here for our one year anniversary -- It's on an island in NC called Ocracoke -- I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who wants to truly escape reality for a few days ;0)

Seriously?

I don't know that I have too many friends whose first description of me would be she's the serious type -- Yet, truth be told, I am -- I take life to heart, I see people's lives through a lens of possibility, I seize moments that matter and I'm constantly writing about it in my mind so I can share all of it with readers like you -- With this, I'm naturally a free spirit who loves spontaneity, emotion, heart felt stories and kicking back on a crisp fall day with a cup-o-joe -- I like positive perspectives and when things don't turn out as positively, my heart breaks --

I sat in a trance, staring at the children sitting at my tutoring table -- They were doing their work so diligently and concentrating with every cell in their body -- As I gave instruction on how to read a word or figure a math problem, I watched them soaking up the information like a sponge to water -- At one point, I saw Alayna (name changed) writing, erasing, re-writing and repeating this sequence several times over it hit me that she was struggling to learn a skill that was second hand to me -- She was so serious --

It brought thoughts to my mind of middle/high school girls struggling to fit in or be the most popular -- They go to extreme lengths to feel beautiful, accepted, loved -- They use internet sites (not in my day, we still used typewriters) to create cliques and slander other girls so they can feel like they're at the top of the food chain, per se -- They don't eat for weeks so they can look glamorous in a prom dress or have the attention of whom they believe to be their fateful prince -- They give their bodies away in hopes to finally feel that complete fulfillment -- They are so serious --

I then see the college age students, giving up everything because they've got to get the A -- To be at the head of their class -- They give up dinners, parties, movie night, relationships and sleeping all to graduate valedictorian (I can barely spell it!) -- They move into the high rolling career and they loose themselves in it, it becomes who they are, what they breath, eat and sleep... it consumes their very being -- It's all so serious --

Then I see myself -- newly married -- While I didn't give up my family and friends, they most certainly lost me for a while -- I chose Dan over a lot of activities, girls nights out or study groups (when in school) -- I went from putting my all into our relationship to making it my all -- It took me about six months to realize I could come out of my newlywed self and interact with the world and I wouldn't loose my marriage -- I know this may sound kind of funny... but when you're first married, things seem fragile -- Every lesson learned seems ginormous and every word spoken seems like it's worth its weight in gold -- Then you learn that he/she is not going anywhere and you can relax... We were so serious -- (at least I was)

Now, when I enter my office and sit with women whose lives have been tortured not only recently, but since the time they breathed their first breath of air, my heart immediately attaches to their pain, emotions run high and all my natural and learned gifts come flying to the surface -- I am serious -- When I read blogs like My Charming Kids and Bring the Rain my perspective changes about what battles are worth fighting, what lessons are worth my energy and what life's truest purposes are -- their lives are serious --

I know that when your spouse is getting on your nerves or it seems like your job is at risk or your mortgage payment is overwhelming your finances life can be so serious -- Yet, what matters most, whether you can see it or not, is having your family alive and healthy, having friends who will pick you up and stand with you through life's truest crises, having a spouse who loves every part of your being and believing in a God who doesn't change although everything around us is evolving at light speed --

What I'm saying in all this is this.... What seems so serious to us today, will be a mere lesson learned tomorrow -- So here's to enjoying the sunsets, hearing children laughing, hugs from your spouse/friends/family, quiet moments with your faith and the beauty of creation -- Think twice about taking what you're facing so seriously... this too shall pass, but the truly serious issues of life will be with you for eternity --

Money, Money, Money

So I've been debating as to write about single-hood or money -- Since money always wins, we're going with money -- ugh --

As I wrote the title, I heard the theme song of Donald Trump's Apprentice run through my mind and then run out quickly... much like money does in my hands -- They say there is always a saver and a spender in the relationship and guess who's who :-I -- As I've said before, how can you touch people's lives if you're not touching your own -- So, get ready to see some yuck --

I'm the one in the relationship with every Gap / Ann Taylor / AT Loft / Banana Republic / Ralph Lauren (clearly I'm a prep) and Lucky Jeans, socks, hats, bandannas, shirts, skirts, ear muffs and any other bodily accessory available to the human race -- and several thousand dollars in Credit Card debt to prove it -- Some of you are shaking your head saying God, me too, she's so brave to just come out and say that and some of you are shaking your head saying OMG, I can't believe that, she's so irresponsible -- I agree with you both --

You see, I think I had a mid-life crisis at age 24 -- Seriously? Someone (won't mention any names) who I looked to for life lessons once said to me "Live it up! Everyone dies with debt." -- Why? Why, God!?! Why did I listen?! please laugh -- Anyhow, this left me in a situation where I married bringing debt to the table -- Not sure about you, but I'm too proud to let Mr. Realife pay for my mistakes and he's too smart to, so it worked out nicely -- What didn't work out so nicely is that I held onto those credit cards as a safety net for many more years even though I didn't used them like I did when I was 26 -- I promised Mr. R I would cut them up when we married... I didn't -- Then I promised I'd cut them up when I got a job... I didn't -- Then I promised... then I promised... then I promised...

With Mr. R paying for everything from our shampoo to the electric bill (and a brand new house), I was acting like a spoiled child who thought she had it so bad with all the debt I had -- I didn't have it bad, I had it good... in fact, I had it great and was taking advantage of the fact that I had an amazing husband who was taking care of it all -- Of course, I didn't see any of this until I talked to my dad why is it now easier to listen to your parents than your own husband? and saw how Mr. R might have been (and was) feeling through the eyes of a man.

Why am I telling you all this? This stuff is personal and embarrassing -- I'm telling you because the #1 reason for divorce is finances -- I'm telling you this because as good as it can all look on the outside, there is always something that a couple is facing that's hard... damn hard -- Thankfully, I have a husband who wasn't willing to continue watching me throw myself down the black whole and more than that, wasn't afraid of really addressing the issue with some tough love

-- I cut up the credit cards --

It's been a couple weeks and I can vividly see how Mr. R and I are closer -- I feel the freedom from lying to myself and to those around me -- Clearly the hard part lies ahead with getting a job and paying them off -- It's just that I'm not willing to throw my marriage down the toilet because of a bad habit... a perceived safety net -- I opened my heart and mind to where my husband was coming from and I let go -- You can do this, too... no matter how hard -- Your marriage will love you for it and give to you what money never can --

Thursday Mornings

As I stood on our sidewalk, watching my husband power wash our back porch at what I thought was an insane hour, I thought to myself there has to be something humorous about this -- there wasn't -- It really was 9:42 p.m. and Dan really was power washing our back porch and I really did work 9-5 and he really did, too -- and by the looks of Rebel, our German Shepard, sleeping in the grass, he had, too -- We really were crazy... I just knew it --

As my thoughts drifted from wondering if there was anything I could laugh about, to the fact that neither of us had eaten, to what in the hell are we doing, I realized that I wouldn't get to spend my Thursday morning on our oasis of a back porch and write my blog entry for the week -- You see, Dan didn't think that 3,000 sq. ft. was enough house for the two of us, so we added our back porch... well, that clearly wasn't enough either, so we now have two more additions to that --

The top addition is stamped concrete and as construction would have it (and maybe some really inconsiderate morons) there was cement dust all over everything on our back porch, including the screens -- To make matters worse, it rained before we could clean it all up... Yeah, what do you get when you mix water and cement? Concrete. We didn't think too much about it until Dan went outside (two days later) around 7 to wipe down the screens (and only the screens) and realized it wasn't coming off -- 3 hours later everything was outside (including the carpet) being power washed -- We bleached, we scrubbed, we broomed, we did everything but set fire to it all and it wasn't. coming. off. -- There was the part of me (the evil, crazy part) that was like this is so ridiculous and then the other part of me (the angelic, perfect part) that was like you know, this is why I married this man --

I hear women all the time talking about their men (which I don't remember owning Dan) and how they can't get them to get off the couch to eat dinner, never mind clean something -- I don't have that problem -- I can't get Dan to sit down... he is constantly going and if I sit still for one minute, I'll miss whatever just happened in the whirlwind of his life --

Truth be told, this was one of the thousand reasons I married him -- I knew he was a hard worker and would always do what it took to make things happen -- At 9:42 p.m., this blessing looked like a curse, but how could I complain now about one of the qualities that caused me to fall in love with him -- I mean, seriously, we could be a normal couple lying on the couch watching TV... but I wouldn't give up the memory of us wiping screens down and scrubbing outdoor furniture while the owls watched for anything --

It's easy to forget all the great qualities of your spouse -- specifically when you're drenched from head to toe, brooming water off your porch at 10 o'clock at night --Sometimes I think he's crazy and yeah, I had to give up my Thursday morning on the back porch, but Dan is the love of my life and I wouldn't trade our craziness for the world --

What Goes Around Comes Around....

Here we have another case of "mother knows best" -- My husband is a Landscaper (think I've mentioned that) -- He is always doing odd things like 'plugging yards' or 'building a ditch bank' and as the good wife that I am, I just let him go his marry way -- I, on the other hand, 'teach children' or 'go to school' -- nothing too extravagant or worthy of looking up in an encyclopedia --

So, this morning I didn't get a call to substitute teach for the first time in a few weeks and I was enjoying the bed (and having a really weird dream) -- Anyhow, my phone rings and it's Dan -- I answer pleasantly and on the other end I hear this "I drove my truck into a F*&%# hole, I need you to drive out here and pick me up so I can get my tractor and pull my G*&^ D*%$# self out of here" -- "OK, honey... no problem" -- sheesh, that sucks --

So, I get dressed, pee and throw on a hat and I'm there in 20 minutes -- He rants for the first 3 minutes about how he was already supposed to be somewhere else by now and how he's afraid he's broken *something* (I couldn't tell you what that was) and how it is going to cost such n' such money and so much time and then... silence --

Being the 'sweet' wife that I am, I decide to break the silence and lighten things up by mentioning that I don't get as great of gas mileage in town -- He responds with "Well you take off really fast, it would help if you slowed down" -- I quickly realized that wasn't the thing to do and now he's annoying me, so I'll be quiet again... it was more peaceful that way -- He interprets that as "see, you always get mad when I say even one little thing" -- OK... now I'm really annoyed and I just want to get home ASAP -- We get home and he just gets out of the car without any sort of "thank you" and so I gladly get inside and start making my coffee -- As I'm reeling over how he's treated me and how he could have at least been grateful that I picked him up, blah blah blah.... I drop my coffee pot; it shatters --

Now I'm pissed.... and ranting "OMG -- this sucks! Now I can't have coffee, I'm going to have to drive across town to get a cup of coffee, then pay money to have get a new pot..." and it hits me -- Here I am so upset about a stupid coffee pot and my husband just broke his truck! The vehicle he uses to earn a living! He has to spend his time and money fixing his truck and all I can think about is how he offended me?

So... lesson of the day? What goes around, comes around and LET IT TEACH YOU SOMETHING -- Stop being so self-centered -- Take 30 seconds to put yourself in your spouses shoes on and really feel what they may be facing -- I mean seriously... there's nothing like a broken coffee pot to really put life into perspective ;0)