Better To Have Loved...

Remember when you were a little girl or boy and you had that favorite shirt, doll, superhero, or blankie? Do you remember the emotions that followed when one of those things was gone? Here is a picture of my sweet niece who was clearly very sad that all the stickers were gone:

If I could get away with it, this is the face I'd have every time my "stickers" were taken away -- Seriously... What is a life without stickers!? While we may be laughing, it's not funny to Cassidy because stickers really are what she loves at this time in her life -- As adults, we're all grown up and stickers are no longer the love, and therefore, loss of our lives -- Instead, we choose to make deeper and more significant things important to us -- We choose to open the door to our heart, let it take a seat and get comfortable, feed and nourish it, give it a bedroom and toiletries so to feel at home -- We choose to genuinely love it... them, him, her -- We choose to love and therefore create the risk of loss --

This is the risk we take when we love

I lived 10 years just 20 minutes outside Philadelphia and every fall since I left, I've mourned the loss of the trees exploding with their vibrant colors as though a crayon box threw up on them -- I l.o.v.e.d. it -- Fall isn't the only thing I mourn loosing, though -- I left friends I'd known since I (or they) were born and those who maybe I'd known just 10 years, but were like brothers and sisters to me... these weren't just High School buddies or Sorority sisters, these are the men and women I went to war with (clearly just an expression, I'm no G.I. Joe) - Yet, after the Great Break (you'll understand if you've read I'm Not, I'm Dan...), I had to leave because it was what I needed to do to move on and live the life I knew I was meant to...

This passed weekend I returned to Pennsylvania because my very close friend, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding and is having twins (lucky dawg), was having her baby shower -- It was wonderful... I stayed with my best friend, Le (who you can read about here) and her family the first night and I got all reconnected, ya know? Sunday I went to lunch with another great friend and bridesmaid, Jamie, who I just admire so much -- I went to Robin's Shower and I was able to visit with Joanna, Hillary, Hilary, Anita, Renee and... the list goes on -- I stayed that evening with Brenda, who is one of my mentors (more about her later) - we had a laughingly good time -- Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, I had breakfast with Michelle and her two sweet babies -- I am one lucky girl... one very loved woman --

Who I'm not telling you about are the others whom I went to war with, some were roomies, others acquaintances... each special in their own way, each have touched my heart, each I have let into my heart and loved them -- These men and women I no longer seem to know... I could no longer tell you their favorite restaurant or TV show, I couldn't tell you what they've been facing lately or what they did for their last birthday... I don't know them and they don't know me... anymore -- They have also loved and lost and they have chosen to move on in their own way... without me -- I guess that's fair, because I went my own way, too -- We have gone our own ways and with that, chosen our own perceptions of one another -- It's just that to loose them, to truly let go of and separate myself from their lives... really hurts --

As I was leaving the baby shower, I thanked the girls who were serving the alcohol and food and one of the girls I'd lost connection with grabbed me, took me around the corner and reassured me with slight laughter in her voice We're paying them to be here -- Because she knows (or knew) me so well, she knew I'd thought they were volunteering (sort of an inside joke) and I laughed so hard, I almost cried (it really was funny in the moment) --

I took that chance to connect with her... I just wanted you to know that while we don't communicate with each other, I think of you often -- I knew I risked sounding cliche, so I continued with a touch to her arm to stop her from brushing me off -- I'm serious... we lived 3 years together and we used to laugh so hard, we'd cry and nearly pee our pants -- You taught me how to laugh, you taught me to laugh at myself and you taught me to laugh at the stuff we can't control -- Only people you really love (and love you) can effect you the way you effected my life and you need to know that my first year of marriage was saved because I was able to laugh... You did that and I needed to know -- Now I was (almost) crying and she gave me a huge hug --

Her face softened, her clear misconceptions of me diminished and she was then vulnerable to me in a way she used to be and I was able to let her know Good, that just means you're normal, like the rest of us -- This amazing woman and I were two completely different people from 4 years ago since the Great Break -- We stood there looking at each other knowing that we used to be so close and in a moment's time, we were lifetimes apart -- While we may never really connect again, I had my closure that night... I was able to settle the loss of a best friend --

Why do I speak of loss? Because it's all around us... only the things we let in our hearts have the power to hurt us -- When you get married, it's likely the biggest risk you can take -- Too many face the loss of their marriage, their partner, the one person they made themselves most vulnerable too -- When I left Pennsylvania this last time, I left another piece of my heart behind, I closed relationships that will likely never be reopened, but I carry with me the gifts that they gave me and that was worth the risk of loving them --

I had another friend of mine, Michelle, call me out of the blue (which she's really good at) and after a 45 minute conversation we were saying our goodbye's and she stopped me... She said Anna, I know that when you love, you love deeply and it's been hard for you to separate yourself from everyone, but now that you're married, you have one love that's above all other loves... so love him and love him wholly, because he's the one love that's not going away --

If ever there were a man to love me, it would be Dan -- If there were ever a woman to love Dan, it would be me -- We love each other to the absolute best of our abilities and when we fall short, it is not purposeful, but simply out of ignorance -- I have learned to listen when he's not speaking and he's learned to hear me when I am -- We've learned to ask the right questions and wait for not the response we want, but the one that's given -- We will grow old together and know that it was better to have loved...