Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tuesday Talk: Fix It


Mr. Realife is considering changing directions in his career as he has been the owner of his Landscaping company for 19 years and is getting tired... I don't blame him. Especially when it's 95 degrees outside and you can see the humidity it's so thick. Whilst mulling around a lot of ideas, becoming a paramedic came up - fast forward a few weeks.

We were stopped at a red light in front of the hospital and we saw an ambulance pull out with 3 women paramedics sitting in the front seat. Being the jokers that we are, we both looked at each other with grins on our faces and he says See honey, I'll be in good company! Of course we laugh and flirt a little with each other cause we're cute like that...

Two minutes later I got my serious on, with a flare of pragmatism... I said to him, You know what? If you ever believe that the grass is greener on the other side and decide that you truly think another woman will make you happier, then go for it. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't want to have to prove I'm worth sticking around for and I don't do jealous. Been there, done that and it's totally not worth my energy. He looked at me like I had two heads and then responded What you just said is precisely why I don't think the grass is greener.

I don't hold him too tightly.

Jealously is not very pretty. It's a word we like to avoid and pretend we don't feel, but it's very real and very powerful and it would be difficult to believe you've never felt its presence. For example... jealous of that neighbor girl who had the barbie princess house you wanted. Jealous of your teammate who was picked as the all-star player of the year when you'd practiced so hard. Jealous of your best friend who got the guy you were eying. Jealous of your colleague who got the promotion you know you deserved. You know... jealous. Yuck.

Within a healthy relationship, jealously shouldn't be an issue. I had never heard it explained so well until I had a conversation with a colleague of mine recently. She was telling me about a new relationship that's forming with a man that is, well... let's just leave it at he's quite a looker and works in a very prominent career. He was sort of putting his feelers out there to see if she would be able to handle how women hunt him down sometimes respond to him. He wasn't at all trying to be egotistical, just logical as his last relationship didn't work out because of this issue and asked "Would you be able to trust that I'm a one woman kind of man and believe deeply in monogamy?"

To this question, my colleague responded "Fix it"

While telling me this story, I looked at her perplexed, Fix it? She got a huge smile on her face and said, Yep! He better fix it. That man has the power to make sure those women around him know he's not available. If he's in his studio and a woman is reaching over him, he needs to offer her a chair, letting her know he's not available and doesn't appreciate her gesture. He either enjoys the attention or he needs to fix it.

While she is not married, she said what I've believed to be true for so long, but in the most simple terms. If the person you're married to truly cares about the person they are in a relationship with, they won't leave any room for jealously. And while jealousy is a normal human response to defending what is rightfully yours, your partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend has it within their to fix it.

Mr. Realife has never, not even once, ever given me a reason to feel jealous. We are able to joke around about it and I believe that is healthy. When I told him Be my guest if you think the grass is greener... It's because I'm incredibly secure in knowing that he loves me. Yet, while he makes me feel secure, I am also responsible to feel secure in myself. I know that I offer a lot to our relationship and if that's not good enough for him, then clearly he needs something else and that is not my issue.

Jealousy. Any thoughts?

21 comments:

Sing 4 U said...

Sooo true! I really appreciate your straight forward, honest, tell it like it is attitude!

Miss Anne said...

So well put.
I've been the "jealous" gf at one time... (years ago)...

come to realize that some security i had to make for myself... but if they weren't going to "fix it"... then i didnt WANT it.

now? i'm secure, happy, and have no room for jealousy! on any level...

unless of course you have hot shoes on..

ha!
JK

KLC said...

I think you said that PERFECTLY!

Shannon said...

Jealousy is a very ugly feeling and not something we like to think we are. But, it's also something that is very hard to control.

The co-worker getting the promotion you deserve...That's me. Two weeks ago, the girl I despise and who is the laziest person I've ever worked with, got the job that was made for me. The position that I had experience in and she had none. Jealous? YES! A right to be? You bet.

The wife of a husband that has a female co-worker who takes it too far MOST of the time...ME. We've had multiple discussions over this. He can only control so many of her actions. He can only fix it so much. She'll still send remarks to my Facebook page, leading me to believe that something else may have happened. What does a girl do in that situation? They have to work together. Their jobs require them to. And, I'm not the only one who has problems with this chick messing with their husbands... It's just a mess.

Jealous much? Yep.

d.a.r. said...

You said it perfectly. That's an incredible amount of self-assuredness and maturity. So many girls are so busy worrying about what their husbands are going to do, or may do, or could do, that they forget that they are the ones they are married to. They forget to put any effort into their own relationship.

Lindsey said...

Wise words!!! So true!

Erin said...

Love the topic today! We may have our issues in our marriage but jealously is not one of then...and that makes me happy!

Miss Adventure said...

This is something that I can more than relate to. Throughout high school and the beginning of college I dated so many guys who went out of their way to flirt with other girls right in front of me. I thought for years that it was me, that I had major jealously issues. But then when I met my guy I realized that while I do get jealous its "normal" jealously that happens every once and awhile when its called for. And that I was only having such a hard time before because those guys WANTED all the extra attention. I'm so glad that part of my life is over.

...love Maegan said...

love love LOVE this post. on occasion, there's a little jealousy bug that peeks its head out from both my husband and I ..but it's never serious. I think we just want the validation from the other.

Jennifer said...

I love the way you've said this! I believe that the best way to deal with jealousy and 'greener grasses' is to be able to discuss any thing with your spouse. If you are open, honest and rational you can discuss even the toughest topics and move your relationship forward. However, if you keep even the smallest thing (like the slightest jealous feelings) to yourself your relationship cannot move forward as one because half of it is stuck in one moment in the past.

Cocaine Princess said...

It sounds like you and Dan have a solid and secure relationship.

P.S. You look great with your new bob-cut and I really love your top.

Cocaine Princess said...

P.S.S. I just saw the Chinese proverb on the side of your blog, "Married.....talking."

What a beautiful quote.

Kristen said...

fix it! i love this post and can relate to you on this. cute hair and top!!!

USCEmily said...

What a great post- I have a tendency to be the jealous type sometimes even when I don't want to and have no reason to be. Your post helped me put it all in perspective!

The Pink Chick said...

This is an awesome post! I'm printing it out and saving it! Wonderful! Your hair is also too cute in this picture! Love it!

Ms. Salti said...

Very nicely put! Thank you for sharing that with us!

jlc said...

you are one fabulous woman!!

so well put!!


am i following you already??? if not i totally am now.

Miss E said...

Such wise words (as usual!). Thank you for doing these pieces. So many good things to think about!

xoxo

Megan said...

Perfectly said!

Hubby and I are not the jealous type. We've been together for eons and we know that we love each other. We've never given one another a reason to be jealous but we joke around about different wo/men.

mrs.leah.maria said...

Well put. You're exactly right that jealousy has no room and that it is our power to remove any need for jealousy.

Le said...

Love it -- and so true. Love your honesty in writing how you feel. And what a great place to be in --that secure. I love it!
cheering you on --as always!