Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tuesday Talk: Remembering When

Warning: Tears may be jerked and curse words to be read

Since I was old enough to understand what death was, I feared my father would die.


This would leave me alone.

He is the only person I have ever had in my life who I knew beyond a doubt loved me unconditionally. He didn't want to leave me, he provided for me, he listened to me. He wanted me.

When I met Mr. Realife, it took me a while realize I had another man in my life who loved me without conditions. The familiar sense of security flooded my soul when I was with him.

So did another feeling.

The fear he would die.

With Professional Counseling as my profession, I get all the reasons I fear the death of those I love the most. Yet, as a vulnerable human being, those feelings are not easily controlled.

About 3 weeks ago I came across a blogger who's story has truly strengthened the relationship I have with Mr. Realife. Matt Logelin is a single father of a precious 15 month old baby girl, Madeline.

I read innocently, really. Thinking What a sweet father and Oh! Look at his photography! Being the sap I am for single fathers, as was mine, I kept reading. and reading. and reading. My heart grew heavier and heavier, but I kept reading.

He was married to a woman who was clearly a shining light. Blond. Blue eyed. Beautiful. From the inside, out. Matt and Liz dated since high school and were married 3 years when they found out they were pregnant with Madeline. Life was perfect. The day of Madeline's birth came and all were happy. Liz needed to stay in bed for 24 hours due to some medical issues and when that waiting period was up, she went to see her daughter for the first time. She got out of bed, walked to the door, felt light headed and collapsed. You can read what happened here.

I sat and read about my greatest fear happening to someone else.

What the fuck.

Not only did he lose the love of his life, but he now has a daughter to raise all. by. himself. He had to go on. He didn't get the luxury of taking time off to mourn. He had a brand new baby to feed, clothe, love.

I said all of that to say this:

So often we go through our days thinking about everything that doesn't really matter.

We remember how our husband wasn't very loving this morning or remembering that our wife wasn't thoughtful enough to remember to pack our favorite snack. We remember how our husband always wants to watch his shows instead of ours or how our wife seems to always be blogging instead of paying attention to us. We remember how our husband doesn't bring us flowers or our wife doesn't keep the dishes clean. We remember how our husband leaves his underwear everywhere but the laundry basket and how our wife is always late because she has to fix her coffee.

We remember all the shit that doesn't matter.

On the other hand, while I haven't experienced this loss, I bet that all that 'shit' above, is the stuff we'll miss the most when they're gone.

I would do anything to see her dishes in the sink.

If only I had his underwear to pick up.

To hear the sound of his shows playing in the background would ease my pain.

I wish she were sitting next to me blogging away about our lives.

You know, I would bring him flowers if he were here.

Who cares if we are late, I just want to watch her making coffee one more time.

I don't encourage anyone to sit around and fear their spouse might be gone tomorrow.

But I do encourage you to think beyond your own nose today. I know Matt's story has changed the way I remember Mr. Realife. His story has strengthened my love for him. His story has opened my eyes to what matters and what doesn't. His story has inspired me to be a better wife and to be grateful for every moment I have with him.

Today. Remember the small things. Remember the way he smiles at you. Remember the way she laughs at your jokes. Remember the way they order their food, ask you how your day was or get excited over nothing. Remember their thoughtfulness, remember their idiosyncrasies, remember their noises. Remember the color of their eyes, the smell of their body, the sound of their voice. Remember what matters.

Everyday. Remember when.


Lindsey said...

What an amazing post!!! Love it!!

Cocaine Princess said...

A very beautiful written post.

Life is too short, we need to remember that.

Brittany Ann said...

This is amazing and such the reminder we need. Despite a very similar fear, I of course get frustrated with my husband for stupid things that I know I'll regret if I lost him. Love is too important. We have to remember that.

Lucy Marie said...

Thank you for this reminder. You are so right - just last night I got a sort of slap in my own face as realized that I have been focusing almost completely on the faults and little stupid things lately in our marriage. Today is a new day and a fresh start. I was meant to read this. Thanks

Cynthia L. H. said...

Yes, time and people are precious.

Well written and poignant.

Lauren said...

Wow...thank you. I really needed this.

Ashley said...

wow, our posts do go hand in hand!

Just Add Walter said...

wonderful post... life is short... have fun while you can and love the life you live

Erin said...

Well, geez! Nothing like a mid day cry!!!
Again, its like you take a page out of my personal book everytime you post a Tuesday talk. Something happeed to me 3 years ago when my grandmother died and since that day I have lived with thoughts about the "what if's" about my family and death. It shakes me to the core on some days (its a panic that I can't even explain) and some days I am just thankful for being able to hear their voice. It is so nice to hear that I am not alone; you seem to do such a great job of making me feel no alone in some of my biggest fears and troubles and for that I am forever greatful!

Saskia said...

We all need a wake-up call sometimes, don't we? I needed this today... We can get so caught up in the mudane day-to-day rubbish that we lose sight of what's really important.

Thank you for shaking me out of it.

Saskia xx

Sara said...

Thank you so very much for this. I too have irrantional thoughts sometimes and think it's just me. While the little things CAN make or break your day, they don't really matter in the overall beauty of a marriage. Thanks!

Annie said...

Love the post! Thank you for writing it!
Matt's story is so very touching and he is an amazing father!

Mrs. B said...

Incredible post. I checked out his blog...I cannot imagine! Wow!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post. I have read his blog and am so touched every time. His story is heart breaking, but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel for him through his blog.

Sass said...

That was gorgeous.

And it applies to all those we love.

I remember getting so annoyed at this habit my grandmother had of making this noise with her teeth. Sounds silly, I know.

I'd give anything to hear it again.

Big hugs to you, my friend. A beautiful post.

Prep-E Girl said...

Sometimes, though - the good things are buried under so much other crap, that you give up trying to find them...



Ashley Ederington said...

this was meant for me to read today. thank you so much.

Lil' Woman said...

Wonderful post, thank you for sharing.

the Preppy Princess said...

This is remarkable, and a remarkable gift. Thank you Miss Newlywed Central.

The Hollywood Memoirs said...

This post has really touched me. You're so right...we all need to celebrate the aspects of our relationships that we love instead of fixating on the aspects that frustrate us. Thanks for posting.

amanda said...

did you read Matt's post about their one big fight? over a robot? Go check it out...I can't remember where it is, but there's a picture of the robot to help you find it...somewhere right before or after she died. .

Lucky in Love said...

I literally have tears in my eyes reading your post. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. It definitely makes me look at the little things that irk me about my husband and how much I would miss them if they weren't there.

Megan said...

Love this post. Great reminder! =)

Miss E said...

I just can't get enough of your honest, emotional, sweet posts. Whether its taking a look at my marriage or myself, your words make me think - and strive to be a better woman, wife, friend, daugter, person. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Keep it up :)