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When someone asks me So when are you and D having children? What rears up inside me isn't pretty... It's assumptive, presumptive and actually quite intrusive on my personal life to ask that question -- On the
To try and explain where I'm coming from without revealing my personal and painful past, I'll ask you to think of it like this:
This, in retrospect, is exactly what happened to me over 5 years ago and I haven't stopped "bucking the norms" since...
The hard part about it is that although I may have realized I was looking at a painting, it's not like I was able to immediately scratch away all the paint and see the truth of life on all levels right then and there. It takes time to decipher lies vs. truth, societal norms vs. personal choice, intruded opinions vs. inward convictions -- Having a baby clearly falls within the category of a major life decision that everyone seems to have an opinion about --
I distinctly remember when I joined MySpace there was a choice under the 'children' status that stated I don't want children -- At the time, I thought Well, that sounds really harsh... how can someone be so sure? Well... I don't want children and I'm finally at a place in my life where I can be comfortable saying it without the feeling that I'm saying something fundamentally wrong -- I've made too many life altering decisions based on fear of what people think or the what if I live to regret and I'm not going to bring a human soul into this world for those same reasons... It's too important --
When I tell people I really don't think I'm going to have children, these are some of the questions I get and these are my questions for you...
Q: What if you regret not having children?
A: Wouldn't you regret messing your kids up b/c you knew you weren't meant to have them to begin with?
Q: What if you're lonely when you grow older?
A: What if your children leave you and never look back when they turn 18? Or what if something tragic happened and they died? Won't you also be lonely?
You. are. right. WHAT IF?! This is the problem with What If questions... We. don't. know. -- As Mojito Maven said it so beautifully to me in an email... what I do know is today, right now and that's where I'm going to live my life... not in the future where I can't know for sure.
Have you ever thought of these questions?
Would it be OK if I believe my destiny/calling/purpose {however you say it} lies in authoring books, coaching people in need and speaking motivationally to wounded souls?
Why is it that people feel the need to convince someone they should have children? Where is that coming from and have you ever stopped to ask yourself that question?
What if I finally feel like I've just begun living and I don't want to turn around and raise another to live? Does that really make me selfish? Or just logical?
Could it be possible that there are people who aren't meant to have a child? If so, is it possible to allow them to choose that without everyone questioning whether or not they are selfish human beings?
What if I'm fully fulfilled just being married and living out my days with my spouse? Are you even able to allow yourself conceive that? Or has society truly convinced you it's just not right to not have children?
Why do you feel the need to "Pray for me" when I say I don't want children!? Do you think it's morally wrong?
Oh! The questions! I could go on, but I'm starting to bore myself -- I think you get my point.
Those who know me IRL can. not. believe. I wouldn't want to have children. I love children. I adore children. You see my love for Stellan and all things My Charming Kids. I write about my nieces and nephews. I love all things little, cute and vulnerable. Yet, after my fill, I love sending them home more.
p.s. -- D and I are taking all precautions not to get pregnant, but if we do... it will be a clear sign that it was meant to be and while it won't change my controversial thoughts said above... I will be forever a mother and thank God for the privilege of it --
Imagine you've been looking at life through a window and there was a point in your life you realized that the window you were looking out was painted... You don't ever forget the day you scratched the paint away, only to realize you'd never seen life for what it truly is.
This, in retrospect, is exactly what happened to me over 5 years ago and I haven't stopped "bucking the norms" since...
The hard part about it is that although I may have realized I was looking at a painting, it's not like I was able to immediately scratch away all the paint and see the truth of life on all levels right then and there. It takes time to decipher lies vs. truth, societal norms vs. personal choice, intruded opinions vs. inward convictions -- Having a baby clearly falls within the category of a major life decision that everyone seems to have an opinion about --
I distinctly remember when I joined MySpace there was a choice under the 'children' status that stated I don't want children -- At the time, I thought Well, that sounds really harsh... how can someone be so sure? Well... I don't want children and I'm finally at a place in my life where I can be comfortable saying it without the feeling that I'm saying something fundamentally wrong -- I've made too many life altering decisions based on fear of what people think or the what if I live to regret and I'm not going to bring a human soul into this world for those same reasons... It's too important --
When I tell people I really don't think I'm going to have children, these are some of the questions I get and these are my questions for you...
Q: What if you regret not having children?
A: Wouldn't you regret messing your kids up b/c you knew you weren't meant to have them to begin with?
Q: What if you're lonely when you grow older?
A: What if your children leave you and never look back when they turn 18? Or what if something tragic happened and they died? Won't you also be lonely?
You. are. right. WHAT IF?! This is the problem with What If questions... We. don't. know. -- As Mojito Maven said it so beautifully to me in an email... what I do know is today, right now and that's where I'm going to live my life... not in the future where I can't know for sure.
Have you ever thought of these questions?
Would it be OK if I believe my destiny/calling/purpose {however you say it} lies in authoring books, coaching people in need and speaking motivationally to wounded souls?
Why is it that people feel the need to convince someone they should have children? Where is that coming from and have you ever stopped to ask yourself that question?
What if I finally feel like I've just begun living and I don't want to turn around and raise another to live? Does that really make me selfish? Or just logical?
Could it be possible that there are people who aren't meant to have a child? If so, is it possible to allow them to choose that without everyone questioning whether or not they are selfish human beings?
What if I'm fully fulfilled just being married and living out my days with my spouse? Are you even able to allow yourself conceive that? Or has society truly convinced you it's just not right to not have children?
Why do you feel the need to "Pray for me" when I say I don't want children!? Do you think it's morally wrong?
Oh! The questions! I could go on, but I'm starting to bore myself -- I think you get my point.
Those who know me IRL can. not. believe. I wouldn't want to have children. I love children. I adore children. You see my love for Stellan and all things My Charming Kids. I write about my nieces and nephews. I love all things little, cute and vulnerable. Yet, after my fill, I love sending them home more.
I'm going to end with a story... I moved from my dad's home in FL to my mom's home in PA when I was 17 y/o. About a year into living with her we had a conversation that went a little bit like this:
Me: Why did you leave us?
Mom: I thought I loved someone else more.
Me: Do you regret it?
Mom: Of course I do, but we can't go back and change our past decisions.
Me: Do you ever regret having kids?
Mom: Of course not! I love you two kids more than anything in this world.
Me: OK, let me change my question. Do you think you were meant to have kids?
Mom: No. I don't think I was.
That was likely one of the most hurtful conversations I've ever had, yet actions have always spoken louder to me than words and my mom was never very present in my life growing up. She was committed to something else way more deeply than she was to having children. As an adult, I don't judge her passion or her desire to be committed to something. Yet, while I don't agree with her decision to choose those passions and desires above being a vital part of her children's lives, I can use her past decisions to see my future decisions more clearly.
Just as I can objectively see that my mom likely shouldn't have had children, I'm able to remove myself from my subjective view of my life and see that I'm not meant to be a mother... I'm meant to do other things with my life and I'm thankful for the opportunity to fulfill what my truest of purpose is without accepting the guilt society places on those who choose not to have kids.
One thing I must say before I step off my soap box -- I don't believe my opinions are truth -- they are just that... my opinions -- So if you have a different opinion, it doesn't mean I'm right/wrong or you're right/wrong... it means we differ on the matter at hand and just as I respect your opinion, I ask that you respect mine and not be rude in your comments... I totally welcome controversial thoughts and challenging questions... but I really want you to think about why you're saying or asking what you are -- Come on... give me your best shot :)Just as I can objectively see that my mom likely shouldn't have had children, I'm able to remove myself from my subjective view of my life and see that I'm not meant to be a mother... I'm meant to do other things with my life and I'm thankful for the opportunity to fulfill what my truest of purpose is without accepting the guilt society places on those who choose not to have kids.
p.s. -- D and I are taking all precautions not to get pregnant, but if we do... it will be a clear sign that it was meant to be and while it won't change my controversial thoughts said above... I will be forever a mother and thank God for the privilege of it --
