Tuesday Talk: Can We Agree to Disagree? Nah.

Religion. Food. Movies. Values. Habits. Vacation destinations. Clothing style. Politics. Thoughts about how marriage should be.

Need I say more? How many of you have ever disagreed with your spouse/significant other about any one of these issues? How do you deal? I used to pout. I'm not kidding. As the youngest of 5 children, I learned pouting was the best way to get attention my way, so I thought I'd use that tactic in my marriage. Didn't work so well. I clearly had a lot of growing up to do and that's exactly what I did.

When I first met D, I remember some of his opinions were different from mine, but never anything that was a deal-breaker {i.e. doesn't believe in God, believes murder is an acceptable way of dealing with someone, stuff like that :-} He was incredibly down to earth and had a realistic way of looking at life's issues. I knew right away this was good for me, because I'm the eternal optimist... even Hitler himself could be helped if I were his counselor {smiles deviously}.

I learned very quickly that when you're dating someone, their opinions on life issues isn't nearly as interesting as when you become engaged to them. Then marry them. Suddenly. It all matters way. too. much. Remember how politics was just whatever, well... now your children's future is determined by what president is being elected or which Governor takes office. The way your husband is dressing is now a representation of you! His habit of watching TV to fall asleep now affects the way you sleep/dream. Your husband's ideas of what a wifey poo should do is all kinds of screwed up. Oh, and why isn't he living his life to make me happy? What's wrong with him?

I learned that straight forward communication is the best way get my point across, even if D doesn't agree with it. Know what I've found? That my life is a lot easier when I'm not trying to change his mind. Why would I want to anyway? Because likely, in some way shape or form, his thoughts are threatening some 'belief system' I established years ago when I was a child being raised by my parents and I just never took the time to really think outside the box about it.

It took me traveling a hard road to realize that it was OK for others' {especially D's because I live with him} opinions to be different than mine. I felt out. of. control. --- yes, afraid --- When others had different thoughts about stuff... really specifically, I'm speaking of spiritual beliefs, politics and core values. Seems these 3 issues are where the rubber hits the road.

So... how do I agree to disagree?

• First, because I respect D, I want to really hear what he's saying
  

• Secondly, I may challenge it because I'm way too stubborn to just give in, but I make sure my motivation isn't to change his thoughts {or him}

• Then, if he isn't able to get me to see his point, I let him know that while I 'hear what he's saying' I just don't agree {a great thing about D is he accepts that just because I don't see things his way, doesn't mean I'm wrong, but it is what it is}

• Lastly, did you know there are an average of 10 core marital issues that couples won't agree upon? This goes to show you marriage isn't about having all the same beliefs, but respecting one another enough to trust their opinions, even if they are not your opinions.
  

Of course as some of those who commented about using the "Yes, dear" method... that works at times, too... You know, those times when you just your spouse need needs your spouse you to shut. up. let the issue go :)

I love what Rhonda said in the comments in the post below about Agreeing to Disagree:

I say that agreeing to disagree requires me to truly set in my mind/heart to accept the other for who they are and not keep a competitive "I know I'm right" internally. That means that I also must allow room for the benefits of their view.

Really? I could have just posted that comment and been done with this post... She summed it up great!