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One of my lines in the Musical {A, My Name is Alice} I'll be in starting the first week of May states:
A, My name is Alice and I work as an Attorney.
For Applebalm, Bemshick and Cohen.
And do I have anxiety!
No, I'm not an attorney, but do I have anxiety!
My father used to tell me as a little girl that I was just like his mother. I loved my Grandma Humphrey, so it overjoyed me that he compared me to her. Her house was impeccably clean {um... maybe that comes with age?}, her kitchen always looked like it was ready for a magazine shoot and when we'd visit we were greeted with food. I would stay with her some weekends and she'd take me shopping and teach me how to save money. I do see that aspect of her in me now that I'm married and we have budgets!
It's the character of her that my father was really talking about that I didn't understand until I was an adult. She was a worry wort. I remember crying myself to sleep night after night worrying that my dad would die. There were days when I could feel my heart beating so hard in my chest, that I wondered if there was something wrong with me. At one point, I specifically recall asking my Grandma if she could ever feel her heart beating and she'd told me, Yes, in fact I used to be able to stand with my chest against a wall and my body would move because my heart was beating so hard. Of course this lead me to believe I was normal.
Fast forward 20 years and you have a 31 y/o woman who works as a counselor, for women who've been traumatized beyond belief, trying to keep her anxiety under control. I often find myself awake at 2, 3, 4 in the morning trying to get my heart under control so I can sleep. As I pause and realize what I'm telling you, I must say I fear the judgment that some may have of me.
D is wonderful about it, but I know it affects him. I watch him pull away because he doesn't know how to calm me down sometimes. There are nights when he can't sleep because he knows I'm awake, trying to breathe and be calm. I find myself doing jumping jacks to get my normal sinus rhythm to return. The catch to all of this is that I refuse to revert to prescription medicine. It seems there's a stigma with needing a drug to right your biological functioning. Like I'm weak if I have to rely on something to keep my mind at ease; as if I'm flawed. Stupid, huh?
The most shameful part of all of this is I'm a counselor!!! Shouldn't I KNOW how to deal with this? I can hand any client a Rational Thought Log, breathing exercises, a Do's and Don'ts Chart and send them on their merry way. But me? Nope. I can't seem to get it under control.
I apologize that this isn't about marriage. I guess I just need to get this off my chest {literally}. Any thoughts? Any helpful hints? Anyone else in my boat? Please tell me I'm not alone...
For Applebalm, Bemshick and Cohen.
And do I have anxiety!
No, I'm not an attorney, but do I have anxiety!
My father used to tell me as a little girl that I was just like his mother. I loved my Grandma Humphrey, so it overjoyed me that he compared me to her. Her house was impeccably clean {um... maybe that comes with age?}, her kitchen always looked like it was ready for a magazine shoot and when we'd visit we were greeted with food. I would stay with her some weekends and she'd take me shopping and teach me how to save money. I do see that aspect of her in me now that I'm married and we have budgets!
It's the character of her that my father was really talking about that I didn't understand until I was an adult. She was a worry wort. I remember crying myself to sleep night after night worrying that my dad would die. There were days when I could feel my heart beating so hard in my chest, that I wondered if there was something wrong with me. At one point, I specifically recall asking my Grandma if she could ever feel her heart beating and she'd told me, Yes, in fact I used to be able to stand with my chest against a wall and my body would move because my heart was beating so hard. Of course this lead me to believe I was normal.
Fast forward 20 years and you have a 31 y/o woman who works as a counselor, for women who've been traumatized beyond belief, trying to keep her anxiety under control. I often find myself awake at 2, 3, 4 in the morning trying to get my heart under control so I can sleep. As I pause and realize what I'm telling you, I must say I fear the judgment that some may have of me.
D is wonderful about it, but I know it affects him. I watch him pull away because he doesn't know how to calm me down sometimes. There are nights when he can't sleep because he knows I'm awake, trying to breathe and be calm. I find myself doing jumping jacks to get my normal sinus rhythm to return. The catch to all of this is that I refuse to revert to prescription medicine. It seems there's a stigma with needing a drug to right your biological functioning. Like I'm weak if I have to rely on something to keep my mind at ease; as if I'm flawed. Stupid, huh?
The most shameful part of all of this is I'm a counselor!!! Shouldn't I KNOW how to deal with this? I can hand any client a Rational Thought Log, breathing exercises, a Do's and Don'ts Chart and send them on their merry way. But me? Nope. I can't seem to get it under control.
I apologize that this isn't about marriage. I guess I just need to get this off my chest {literally}. Any thoughts? Any helpful hints? Anyone else in my boat? Please tell me I'm not alone...
