Tuesday Thursday Talk: Lying Lips

From the time I can remember, I lied about stuff. Yeah. I'm admitting that to the few people that read my blog world. I lied to kids in school about what toys I had, I lied to the neighbor that I'd taken gymnastics since I was 3, I lied to my teacher that I read my books to get coupons to McDonald's I've always hated reading. My memory specifically goes back to when I was 6 y/o and I wanted to win a Bible in Sunday School. It was a new, shiny, white Bible with gold trim and I wanted it to be mine so badly.

The way to get this new, shiny, white Bible with gold trim was to bring the most visitors to church with you over the next month. So what did I do? I lied. For the next four Sunday's I had visitors in every other Sunday School class except, conveniently, mine. There was Julie, in the 4th grade class, Todd in the 2nd grade class, Sarah in the 9th grade class and of course Jason in the 7th grade class. I'd have 4, 5, 9 visitors every week in different classes and I just thought I was so smooth because my teacher believed me. How did I know she believed me? Because at the end of the month I was donned with a new, shiny, white Bible with gold trim. It was all mine because I'd earned it. Sure.

My memory then flips to what was likely just a few months later when I found that same new, shiny, white Bible with gold trim soaked and soiled with red Kool-Aid in the trunk of our 1980 station wagon we called Bessy {or something like that}. I remember being so upset and yet knowing really why it was destroyed. I haven't thought of that Bible since.

As the years went by, I'd lie about bigger things like when I moved to a new town in 6th grade and I told the kids my name was really Samantha because there was a popular girl in my old school named Samantha that everyone liked. I lied about someone stealing money out of my locker because it got me attention. When I moved in 11th grade to another new school, I lied about the activities I did in my previous school because it made me feel accomplished and I wanted the other girls to feel jealous.

Writing all this down is making me feel really ashamed and silly. Yet, I risk sharing these horrifying truths to help you understand why we may lie about our marriage, within our marriage or to ourselves regarding our marriage.

I asked my dad about a year ago why he thought depression was at such a high level in our society today and not 30, 40, 50 years ago. He said something to me that I'll never forget "With every year our society grows larger, the more pressure we each feel to have more money, own more things and be more accomplished. So with every less dollar, missing thing or failed accomplishment, we feel more depressed." The point is that growing up with one parent having left me, I did everything in my little power to convince others I was worthy of love, attention and acceptance. I lied.

Our society puts so much pressure married couples to have the perfect little home, the handsome-sweep you off your feet-understands all your feelings-provides your every need-cooks dinner 6 nights a week husband, a job that pays 3x's what your parents earned, a car envied by every neighbor and clothes that the Sex in the City women would want to borrow... and if you don't have all these things? You're nothing. You're insignificant. You're life has no meaning. You might as well give up.

So what do we do? We lie. Maybe not with our lips, but with what we don't say, what we don't reveal, what we don't deal with honestly. We lie to our neighbors. We lie to our friends. We lie to our co-workers. We lie to our family. Worst of all, we lie to ourselves so we don't even know we're lying. We walk around with this pressure on our shoulders like we're carrying the weight of the world and for what? To impress a society that doesn't care about us anyway? To feed the powerful hand of marketing that's behind all this garbage? To feel better around people you don't even like?

I'm so incredibly grateful that starting in my early 20's I worked hard and honestly to resolve my issues of fear of rejection and abandonment so that I could speak the truth about my life and find freedom in that. If you've been reading long, you know that the whole reason behind my blog is to expose the wicked facade society requires us to live up to in order to feel normal. I thank God I no longer feel that need to live up to a standard set by someone I don't even know.

My point is that you can let your guard down. You can be OK telling the truth about your fear that you're not where you want to be career wise. You can flaunt your sexy 1998 Honda, knowing that you've been savvy with your money. You can be proud of who you used to be because of who it's made you today. You can adore your husband/wife regardless of his/her downfalls. You can know that you're normal for having fights with your spouse and not always feeling in love with them. You can be confident that you're not the only one who feels lonely within their marriage at one time or another. I'm hear to tell you that you can be honest with yourself and not fear that your world will fall apart around you...

My defense against the world was lying... What's yours?

Tuesday Talk: Traditional Tragedies

Summer 07'

I have all the typical youngest child personality traits: People person serious need to be the center of attention, Outgoing can't stay in the house long enough to clean, Easygoing doesn't notice when household issues are in complete disarray, Passionate cooking is clearly not as important as writing a Tuesday Talk, Strait forward always says exactly what's on my mind, Practical you can pick up your own clothes, your arms aren't painted on and Loving I'd rather cuddle than watch the movie -- See? Wouldn't it be a joy to live with me? {don't answer that}

Mr. Realife, on the other hand, is the 2nd oldest of 6 boys... We are not even going to go there :-) Let's just say he is almost my polar opposite and, as the song says, These Opposites Attract -- If you take another good look at my qualities above, you'll quickly realize I'm not "50's Wife" material -- I'm "2009 Wife" material and it's taken me a while to be OK with that... Funny, Mr. Realife's been fine with it since day 1.

The traditions within marriage seem to be very clear... laid out for us like a book -- Societal norms are hard to ignore -- They strongly influence how we see ourselves and our "roles" within the marital relationship -- We also have our parents who showed us for 18+ years how to be a wife or husband and we live with mental pictures of how a marriage should look, feel and be -- When our pictures don't line up with what it actually is, our marriage, instead of just allowing it to be what it is, turns into a constant struggle of becoming what we think it should be... thus, the tragedy --

Growing up, we had dinner 7 nights a week between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m. -- Dad worked hard all day, so he rested while Mom or my older sister, Sarah, cooked... My job? Setting the table which turned out very well for me if I was ever mad at one of my 4 older siblings b/c I licked their forks :) My 4 siblings and I cleaned the house, but mom was also in charge of making sure we did our chores -- Who did we ask if we wanted something? Mom. Who took care of the lawn? Dad. Who did we run to if we were hurt? Mom. Who was our provider? Dad. Who helped us with homework? Mom. Who was the steady constant, never wavering in act or deed? Dad. Who did all the communicating outside the home? Mom. Who ruled the nest? Dad and Mom.

Their roles were very defined -- Our traditions were very set in stone and to watch any other family do it differently was strange -- So what was my picture? That Mr. Realife would want dinner on the table 7 nights a week between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m. -- That I would do all household chores -- That he would do all outside chores -- That being married meant it's time to have children -- That Mr. Realife's opinions had more weight than mine -- That my job was to only be a helper instead of the breadwinner -- That Mr. Realife's job was to provide -- and we go on and on and on...

What I want to point out within my family's way of living said above is it worked for us like a well oiled machine -- When you get married, you have to figure out what works for you, bucking the mental picture in your mind's eye, believing it's the only way --

What works for Mr. Realife and I? We don't eat more than 3 meals a week and he is usually the one to fix it -- That down the road I will be the breadwinner and he will take care of the house, etc... -- That it's important stay affectionate with one another even though our parents didn't show outward affection -- That we take off and are spontaneous to keep things alive in our marriage -- That we won't be having children just because we're married -- That I can take the garbage out and it doesn't mean Mr. Realife's a slacker -- That he can clean toilets and the shower and it doesn't mean I'm failing as a wife --

Within a marriage, traditions range from who takes out the garbage, to deciding if you go to bed at the same time, to how much time you spend with other people during the week/weekends without your spouse, to how much sex you have -- The key?

IS IT WORKING FOR YOU!?!?!

If it's not working for you then why in hell are you still forcing the issue?! You are potentially destroying your sanity, not to mention your marriage, if you are trying to force traditions on you, your spouse or your family that may have worked for you parents or the couple next door, but not for you!!!

The beauty in figuring it all out is you grow closer together as a couple, you have 'inside' things that are for your marriage only, you will experience a freedom unlike anything you've known b/c there are NO RULES! only what works for you -- So take a look at the traditions that may need to be thrown out the window so you can establish some peace in your marriage :)