Tuesday Talk: Fix It

Mr. Realife is considering changing directions in his career as he has been the owner of his Landscaping company for 19 years and is getting tired... I don't blame him. Especially when it's 95 degrees outside and you can see the humidity it's so thick. Whilst mulling around a lot of ideas, becoming a paramedic came up - fast forward a few weeks.

We were stopped at a red light in front of the hospital and we saw an ambulance pull out with 3 women paramedics sitting in the front seat. Being the jokers that we are, we both looked at each other with grins on our faces and he says See honey, I'll be in good company! Of course we laugh and flirt a little with each other cause we're cute like that...

Two minutes later I got my serious on, with a flare of pragmatism... I said to him, You know what? If you ever believe that the grass is greener on the other side and decide that you truly think another woman will make you happier, then go for it. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't want to have to prove I'm worth sticking around for and I don't do jealous. Been there, done that and it's totally not worth my energy. He looked at me like I had two heads and then responded What you just said is precisely why I don't think the grass is greener.

I don't hold him too tightly.

Jealously is not very pretty. It's a word we like to avoid and pretend we don't feel, but it's very real and very powerful and it would be difficult to believe you've never felt its presence. For example... jealous of that neighbor girl who had the barbie princess house you wanted. Jealous of your teammate who was picked as the all-star player of the year when you'd practiced so hard. Jealous of your best friend who got the guy you were eying. Jealous of your colleague who got the promotion you know you deserved. You know... jealous. Yuck.

Within a healthy relationship, jealously shouldn't be an issue. I had never heard it explained so well until I had a conversation with a colleague of mine recently. She was telling me about a new relationship that's forming with a man that is, well... let's just leave it at he's quite a looker and works in a very prominent career. He was sort of putting his feelers out there to see if she would be able to handle how women hunt him down sometimes respond to him. He wasn't at all trying to be egotistical, just logical as his last relationship didn't work out because of this issue and asked "Would you be able to trust that I'm a one woman kind of man and believe deeply in monogamy?"

To this question, my colleague responded "Fix it"

While telling me this story, I looked at her perplexed, Fix it? She got a huge smile on her face and said, Yep! He better fix it. That man has the power to make sure those women around him know he's not available. If he's in his studio and a woman is reaching over him, he needs to offer her a chair, letting her know he's not available and doesn't appreciate her gesture. He either enjoys the attention or he needs to fix it.

While she is not married, she said what I've believed to be true for so long, but in the most simple terms. If the person you're married to truly cares about the person they are in a relationship with, they won't leave any room for jealously. And while jealousy is a normal human response to defending what is rightfully yours, your partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend has it within their to fix it.

Mr. Realife has never, not even once, ever given me a reason to feel jealous. We are able to joke around about it and I believe that is healthy. When I told him Be my guest if you think the grass is greener... It's because I'm incredibly secure in knowing that he loves me. Yet, while he makes me feel secure, I am also responsible to feel secure in myself. I know that I offer a lot to our relationship and if that's not good enough for him, then clearly he needs something else and that is not my issue.

Jealousy. Any thoughts?

Tuesday Talk: Traditional Tragedies

Summer 07'

I have all the typical youngest child personality traits: People person serious need to be the center of attention, Outgoing can't stay in the house long enough to clean, Easygoing doesn't notice when household issues are in complete disarray, Passionate cooking is clearly not as important as writing a Tuesday Talk, Strait forward always says exactly what's on my mind, Practical you can pick up your own clothes, your arms aren't painted on and Loving I'd rather cuddle than watch the movie -- See? Wouldn't it be a joy to live with me? {don't answer that}

Mr. Realife, on the other hand, is the 2nd oldest of 6 boys... We are not even going to go there :-) Let's just say he is almost my polar opposite and, as the song says, These Opposites Attract -- If you take another good look at my qualities above, you'll quickly realize I'm not "50's Wife" material -- I'm "2009 Wife" material and it's taken me a while to be OK with that... Funny, Mr. Realife's been fine with it since day 1.

The traditions within marriage seem to be very clear... laid out for us like a book -- Societal norms are hard to ignore -- They strongly influence how we see ourselves and our "roles" within the marital relationship -- We also have our parents who showed us for 18+ years how to be a wife or husband and we live with mental pictures of how a marriage should look, feel and be -- When our pictures don't line up with what it actually is, our marriage, instead of just allowing it to be what it is, turns into a constant struggle of becoming what we think it should be... thus, the tragedy --

Growing up, we had dinner 7 nights a week between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m. -- Dad worked hard all day, so he rested while Mom or my older sister, Sarah, cooked... My job? Setting the table which turned out very well for me if I was ever mad at one of my 4 older siblings b/c I licked their forks :) My 4 siblings and I cleaned the house, but mom was also in charge of making sure we did our chores -- Who did we ask if we wanted something? Mom. Who took care of the lawn? Dad. Who did we run to if we were hurt? Mom. Who was our provider? Dad. Who helped us with homework? Mom. Who was the steady constant, never wavering in act or deed? Dad. Who did all the communicating outside the home? Mom. Who ruled the nest? Dad and Mom.

Their roles were very defined -- Our traditions were very set in stone and to watch any other family do it differently was strange -- So what was my picture? That Mr. Realife would want dinner on the table 7 nights a week between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m. -- That I would do all household chores -- That he would do all outside chores -- That being married meant it's time to have children -- That Mr. Realife's opinions had more weight than mine -- That my job was to only be a helper instead of the breadwinner -- That Mr. Realife's job was to provide -- and we go on and on and on...

What I want to point out within my family's way of living said above is it worked for us like a well oiled machine -- When you get married, you have to figure out what works for you, bucking the mental picture in your mind's eye, believing it's the only way --

What works for Mr. Realife and I? We don't eat more than 3 meals a week and he is usually the one to fix it -- That down the road I will be the breadwinner and he will take care of the house, etc... -- That it's important stay affectionate with one another even though our parents didn't show outward affection -- That we take off and are spontaneous to keep things alive in our marriage -- That we won't be having children just because we're married -- That I can take the garbage out and it doesn't mean Mr. Realife's a slacker -- That he can clean toilets and the shower and it doesn't mean I'm failing as a wife --

Within a marriage, traditions range from who takes out the garbage, to deciding if you go to bed at the same time, to how much time you spend with other people during the week/weekends without your spouse, to how much sex you have -- The key?

IS IT WORKING FOR YOU!?!?!

If it's not working for you then why in hell are you still forcing the issue?! You are potentially destroying your sanity, not to mention your marriage, if you are trying to force traditions on you, your spouse or your family that may have worked for you parents or the couple next door, but not for you!!!

The beauty in figuring it all out is you grow closer together as a couple, you have 'inside' things that are for your marriage only, you will experience a freedom unlike anything you've known b/c there are NO RULES! only what works for you -- So take a look at the traditions that may need to be thrown out the window so you can establish some peace in your marriage :)