The Baby Itch

It would be a rare depiction of a little girl not playing the mommy, holding the baby doll in her arms, changing the diaper or feeding them a bottle -- You see it in movies, Kid's Pottery Barn catalogs, preschool classrooms and in the homes of every American family -- It's part of the American dream... Marry your night in shining armor, live in the beautiful house with a white picket fence and have 2.5 children (not sure how one does that, but that's the sayin')

As the youngest of 5 children, having two older sisters and two older brothers, I often found myself playing alone with my toys (and don't forget, my imagination) -- I remember the most common pretend game I would play was that I was the oldest of 29 kids (er... what?), I had a twin sister and I was in charge -- My most favorite imaginary story was when it was chore time and I was to organize all the younger brothers and sisters so that the house was clean by the time mom got home -- The best part, was when she came home, I was the one who received the praise (issues, much?)

I don't have memories of playing mommy, having babies or getting married -- Besides being the boss of 29 siblings, my play time consisted of pretending I was singing in front of hundreds of people whilst I stood in front of my dolls lined up on my bed, taking pictures of everything I could with my toy camera, turning my barbie doll houses and cars houses into a town of all my friends where we lived together and could do whatever we wanted, recording myself singing into my dad's microphone onto tapes and, oh, yeah... cutting every hair on every doll's head I had, because one day I was going to own the most famous salon ever...

I had a mother who left me when I was 18 months old -- My father raised me, provided for me, taught me to tell the truth because eventually it would come out anyway, to treat people the way I'd want to be treated and to live simply, because in the end nothing materialistic adds to my final worth -- He lives his life by these so called rules and he is my hero --

It didn't hit me until I read through my journal of the last four years of my life -- I hadn't mentioned the desire to be a mother -- even. one. time. I wrote (typed, actually) of traveling, getting married, opening my own counseling practice, continuing classes in photography, being close to my family, moving on from the Great Break, my traumatic childhood, my anger, my fears of rejection... all that lies beneath -- But never, not even close, did I mention the desire to have children --


As a counselor, I understand the importance of going back and seeing where you've been and comparing it to where you are today -- I understand that sometimes you must go back to resolve issues that were never settled, but settle them; don't stay there -- And now, I understand how going back can speak to you in ways you'd never thought possible -- Am I supposed to be a mother? Would I be a good mother? Would I want to leave my children? Do I truly desire to be a mother? and if not, why?


Since about our third date, Dan and I have spoken about whether or not we would want children -- Without a lot of thought, I'd always state I'm not sure, I love babies, but I love giving them back, too -- It's been an understood thing between us both that we'd either have two, one or none and we'd be fine how ever it turned out -- Yet, recently (specifically, thanks to MyCharmingKids) I've had the itch... the baby itch --

Tuesday night, Dan and I were watching a movie and for the first time, I saw a mother and daughter together and I allowed myself to really feel the desire for a baby, my own baby -- I didn't say anything, it was just a feeling -- After the movie, we were saying goodnight and I said I'm so glad you're mine and when he didn't respond, I jokingly said Hey, you're supposed to say what you're feeling back -- Without a hitch he said I don't think I want children -- It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach -- Where did that come from? I said emotionless Well, I'd been thinking really hard lately and I decided that I really don't want to bring a child into this society, this economy -- I lay there motionless and turned toward him, kissed him goodnight and faced the other direction --

Within a minute or so, I found myself crying (crying? The woman who'd never desired to have children was crying?) -- I sat up to get a tissue and Dan asked with real sensitivity Are you crying? I wanted so badly just to go to sleep, ignore it, sleep on it and I'd feel the way I'd always felt about kids in the morning -- Yeah -- Tell me what's wrong -- It's just that... and I told him what happened during the movie -- Um, bad timing, huh? That made me laugh and we were able to really talk about having/not having children --

In the end, we held each other in the darkness of the night and prayed -- We told God that while we know it's our decision, this world is a scary place to bring a human life into and that we'd like His guidance -- It brought us closer... Dan called 3 times the next day while I was at work just to 'see if I was OK' -- It seems to me that we both realized we are what we have in our family and we want to protect it with all we've got --

What sort of things have you and your spouse faced when it comes to having children? If you're a parent, what sort of advice would you give to a couple determining to have children or not?

Wifey Wednesday: Case of the Missing Underwear

Wifey Wednesday will hopefully be a weekly venture inspired by www.tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com --
My hope is it will be a tribute to the newlywed wives I so dearly love and enjoy --

It isn't often I hear a wife say Man, my husband just does everything... I love how when I come home the house is clean, dinner's on the table, my freshly folded clothes are in their drawers and now I can prop my feet up on the coffee table and watch some HGTV whilst he serves me ice cream with sprinkles on top -- Um... not sure about you, but I know my husband hasn't done anything of the sort as of late -- This would be why...

Dan and I made a plan before we got married as to what our 'chores' would include -- Moi? Laundry, kitchen, cleaning --Dan? Mowing, weed eating, horse duty and pretty much everything outside that needs to be done... Oh, and paying all the bills -- Is this because I'm the submissive house wife and he's the brave husband conquering provision and proving his manhood? No way... we are so not old fashioned -- It's just that that is what works for us... for now --

My forte first and foremost are relationships, a close second is writing and thirdly, counseling (which encompasses the two) -- Cleaning? Cooking? Not even sure they're on the list, although they do make it to my daily routine -- My sister-in-law is my hero -- She has 3 children all 3 and under and because her husband (my brother) is a super provider, she has the opportunity to stay home with them and raise them with her own two hands -- I was talking to her yesterday (which rarely happens) and I caught her in the middle of taking Bella and Khaki (Cassidy... but it was too hard for Bella to say, so Khaki it is) to preschool -- This is how the conversation went:

Tory: Hello?

Me: Tory! I can't believe you answered your phone! How are you?

Tory: Hey Anna... yeah, I'm getting the girls off to preschool, but I saw it was you and wanted to answer (Bella, please get in the car for mommy, we need to go)

Me: Well, do I need to call you back?

Tory: No, I'm fine (Khaki, mommy doesn't have time to get your blanket, please get in the car, now)

Me: It sounds like you need a minute... why don't you call me back.

Tory: Ok. (click)

That took a lot of convincing -- A few minutes later she dawn my phone and I answer:

Me: You sure you're good to talk?

Tory: Yes, until I get to the drop-off line, they don't allow cell phones

Me: Just hang up and call back when you're there

A mere 5 minutes later I get hung up on and about 4 seconds goes by when I get her again:

Tory: (laughing) My slip just went to school! Khaki was so sad to leave and she's been having some separation anxiety and because we didn't have time to go back in and get her blankie, she took my slip! She has it snuggled against her face and thumb in mouth --

Me: Guess it's better than having your bra go to school!

We laughed until we almost cried...

We talk for a while and catch up on all things sisterly when I hear dishes clanking in the background -- I asked if she needed to go and she said explained that if I didn't mind hearing the noise, she would be cleaning while we talked -- Omg, I thought -- Maybe I should be cleaning while we talk... nah -- We continue and I hear what I thought to be crying from their newest addition, Nathan -- Do you need to go? I hear Nathan crying -- Tory laughs, No, he's just talking -- Apparently I've been away from children way too long -- She continues to explain that she can't believe it's already 10 o'clock and she only has the kitchen cleaned up -- Only has the kitchen cleaned up? I've only had one cup of coffee and I felt ahead of the game -- Starting to feel guilty, I ask again if I should let her go -- She said no and that she does this all the time --

Suddenly my fears of being strapped to a vacuum the rest of my born days starts over taking me and then visions of children climbing into my lap, into my car and then into my bed makes my blood pressure go through the roof -- I digress -- I snapped myself back to reality when I realized she was talking about all the chores she'll do for the day... not for the next week, but that very day -- Tory... you do it all -- why do you do it all? With little understanding of what it takes to raise three children, she explains to me that Michael works long hours and when he comes home she believes he should come home to peace -- I totally get it -- It just hadn't hit me until then how much women do (especially if you're a mom) --

This conversation brought to me thoughts of Dan's missing underwear -- About every month or so I hear from the other room Do I have any clean underwear? -- Oops... I've done it again -- Is it a big surprise that I get behind on the laundry? Or at least folding the laundry -- Usually there are discrete piles lying around somewhere and I know I'll do it when I'm feeling inspired (or at least in some sort of weird daze that makes me feel like I really need accomplish something) -- Compared to Tory I have the work ethic of a chimpanzee -- I'm serious... I'd rather be writing, talking, creating, counseling, shopping, photographing -- anything that's more inspiring than watching paint dry...

I keep hearing this little saying from women who've been married a while The habits you establish in the beginning of your marriage will stay with you til the end... including how you treat yourself and what you allow your husband to expect of you -- Their point? Men will allow you to do as much as you are willing to do -- As for me? That's not too much at this point... but for a lot of women I know, it's more than they want to be doing --

I so appreciate women and all they do for their homes, husbands and children... yet I want to state another side of it -- I can say as a woman who's been there, worn that t-shirt, shopped that store and eaten that doughnut (not necessarily in that order) that it's not worth it to loose yourself whilst helping others live their lives --

Give yourself what I like to call you time -- Take a bath at the end of a long day, schedule a pedicure once a month, window shop at the mall (or splurge if you can), get a massage, take a bike ride, go to the library and read all your fave magazines, watch a movie in the middle of the day, have coffee with a friend and talk for hours... you know what it is that you love to do -- The beauty of this is you'll actually have more to give to your family at the end of the day because you took the time to fill yourself up -- Go. Do. Be. Now. -- You deserve it... promise ;0)