Party Like It's 1999

I remember New Year's Eve 1989 (ouch, that hurt) -- I had just turned 12 years old, moved to our new town of 500 people and thought it was coolest thing ever that I was witnessing the entry of a new decade -- The very fact that in another 10 years we'd be adorning a new Century clearly wasn't phasing me... it was going to be The 90's and life was good --

19 years later, I find myself laughing at the thought of me sitting in our panel covered wall living room trying to burn into my mind exactly what I was wearing so that I could forever remember that moment forever... Clearly it worked -- (a stretchy jumpsuit with black bottoms and a black and white striped top with pseudo suspenders topped off with colorful buttons for those of you who were wondering... I now understand I was not a fashion guru :)

Many New Years have come and gone and with each, new memories, heart aches, challenges, victories and of course, resolutions... There were even a few years where I don't even remember New Years and resolutions were clearly a fleeting thought -- At 31, I find myself looking at the coming New Years differently -- My resolutions more grounded, my goals not so lofty and my dreams less selfish -- I've been told (by whom I'm not sure, but it stuck and I like the theory) that in your 30's you start to not care about what people think anymore and you begin charging through life one goal at a time... I'm definitely finding that to be true --

12 months ago, I found myself in a deep depression -- If you know me, you'd know that this state of mind is all wrong for me -- I'm optimistic, resilient, passionate and ready for any challenge... but not the one of being a Newlywed -- Not that I wasn't ready for Newlywedhood, I just didn't realize I'd signed my death wish to freedom know what the challenge would look like seeing as Hollywood, magazines, hallmark commercials and anyone else who likes to paint fantasies for innocent brides, made 'Happily Ever After' seem like a breeze and that love conquers all... boy was I flipped off my fantasy rocker --

Hence... a blog -- I love to write and as an extrovert, I needed an outlet -- As I started to organize my craziness through posts, I found that everyday married life was quite funny -- No need for depression... but gratitude that I'd married the right guy -- It wasn't that I didn't have freedom, it's that I was now challenged to believe I was totally loved and that this was freedom in and of itself --

As I have written since April, I've learned so much about myself and Dan our relationship is absolutely incredible -- Not boring perfect, but open, honest, fun, comfortable and trusting -- I no longer feel the instability and insecurities of all the what ifs and we're at a point where our love is able to grow deeper and stronger... The second stage of marital love --

So... New Years Resolution? I only have one because it seems I get too overwhelmed by any more than that... What is it?

To only set goals on a daily or weekly basis

Yep. That's it. Nothing special, nothing extravagant, nothing to go running to all your bloggy friends about and shout You must read Anna's New Year's Resolution -- Sweet and simple and to the point -- Why? As a counselor, I set goals with people everyday and something I've learned is they only ever meet the goals in which are attainable within that week -- The best part about this is within a month, they look back and have accomplished a lot --

The benefits to this resolution are:

• You are constantly accomplishing something so you are continuously gaining the reward of your accomplishments


• There's not a lot of time to get discouraged about not getting to your goal


• Your goals won't seem so overwhelming (i.e. Loose 20 lbs. -- instead it will be This week I will loose 1 lb.)


• At the end of every month, you get to look back and reap the reward of having accomplished so much

OK... so, that was just a little psycho ed for each of my sweet bloggy friends --

So... whether you enjoy bringing in the New Year partying like it's 1999 or watching a good movie and drinking wine, my hope for each of you is to bring in the New Year just how your heart desires... I know I am :)

The Baby Itch

It would be a rare depiction of a little girl not playing the mommy, holding the baby doll in her arms, changing the diaper or feeding them a bottle -- You see it in movies, Kid's Pottery Barn catalogs, preschool classrooms and in the homes of every American family -- It's part of the American dream... Marry your night in shining armor, live in the beautiful house with a white picket fence and have 2.5 children (not sure how one does that, but that's the sayin')

As the youngest of 5 children, having two older sisters and two older brothers, I often found myself playing alone with my toys (and don't forget, my imagination) -- I remember the most common pretend game I would play was that I was the oldest of 29 kids (er... what?), I had a twin sister and I was in charge -- My most favorite imaginary story was when it was chore time and I was to organize all the younger brothers and sisters so that the house was clean by the time mom got home -- The best part, was when she came home, I was the one who received the praise (issues, much?)

I don't have memories of playing mommy, having babies or getting married -- Besides being the boss of 29 siblings, my play time consisted of pretending I was singing in front of hundreds of people whilst I stood in front of my dolls lined up on my bed, taking pictures of everything I could with my toy camera, turning my barbie doll houses and cars houses into a town of all my friends where we lived together and could do whatever we wanted, recording myself singing into my dad's microphone onto tapes and, oh, yeah... cutting every hair on every doll's head I had, because one day I was going to own the most famous salon ever...

I had a mother who left me when I was 18 months old -- My father raised me, provided for me, taught me to tell the truth because eventually it would come out anyway, to treat people the way I'd want to be treated and to live simply, because in the end nothing materialistic adds to my final worth -- He lives his life by these so called rules and he is my hero --

It didn't hit me until I read through my journal of the last four years of my life -- I hadn't mentioned the desire to be a mother -- even. one. time. I wrote (typed, actually) of traveling, getting married, opening my own counseling practice, continuing classes in photography, being close to my family, moving on from the Great Break, my traumatic childhood, my anger, my fears of rejection... all that lies beneath -- But never, not even close, did I mention the desire to have children --


As a counselor, I understand the importance of going back and seeing where you've been and comparing it to where you are today -- I understand that sometimes you must go back to resolve issues that were never settled, but settle them; don't stay there -- And now, I understand how going back can speak to you in ways you'd never thought possible -- Am I supposed to be a mother? Would I be a good mother? Would I want to leave my children? Do I truly desire to be a mother? and if not, why?


Since about our third date, Dan and I have spoken about whether or not we would want children -- Without a lot of thought, I'd always state I'm not sure, I love babies, but I love giving them back, too -- It's been an understood thing between us both that we'd either have two, one or none and we'd be fine how ever it turned out -- Yet, recently (specifically, thanks to MyCharmingKids) I've had the itch... the baby itch --

Tuesday night, Dan and I were watching a movie and for the first time, I saw a mother and daughter together and I allowed myself to really feel the desire for a baby, my own baby -- I didn't say anything, it was just a feeling -- After the movie, we were saying goodnight and I said I'm so glad you're mine and when he didn't respond, I jokingly said Hey, you're supposed to say what you're feeling back -- Without a hitch he said I don't think I want children -- It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach -- Where did that come from? I said emotionless Well, I'd been thinking really hard lately and I decided that I really don't want to bring a child into this society, this economy -- I lay there motionless and turned toward him, kissed him goodnight and faced the other direction --

Within a minute or so, I found myself crying (crying? The woman who'd never desired to have children was crying?) -- I sat up to get a tissue and Dan asked with real sensitivity Are you crying? I wanted so badly just to go to sleep, ignore it, sleep on it and I'd feel the way I'd always felt about kids in the morning -- Yeah -- Tell me what's wrong -- It's just that... and I told him what happened during the movie -- Um, bad timing, huh? That made me laugh and we were able to really talk about having/not having children --

In the end, we held each other in the darkness of the night and prayed -- We told God that while we know it's our decision, this world is a scary place to bring a human life into and that we'd like His guidance -- It brought us closer... Dan called 3 times the next day while I was at work just to 'see if I was OK' -- It seems to me that we both realized we are what we have in our family and we want to protect it with all we've got --

What sort of things have you and your spouse faced when it comes to having children? If you're a parent, what sort of advice would you give to a couple determining to have children or not?

Better To Have Loved...

Remember when you were a little girl or boy and you had that favorite shirt, doll, superhero, or blankie? Do you remember the emotions that followed when one of those things was gone? Here is a picture of my sweet niece who was clearly very sad that all the stickers were gone:

If I could get away with it, this is the face I'd have every time my "stickers" were taken away -- Seriously... What is a life without stickers!? While we may be laughing, it's not funny to Cassidy because stickers really are what she loves at this time in her life -- As adults, we're all grown up and stickers are no longer the love, and therefore, loss of our lives -- Instead, we choose to make deeper and more significant things important to us -- We choose to open the door to our heart, let it take a seat and get comfortable, feed and nourish it, give it a bedroom and toiletries so to feel at home -- We choose to genuinely love it... them, him, her -- We choose to love and therefore create the risk of loss --

This is the risk we take when we love

I lived 10 years just 20 minutes outside Philadelphia and every fall since I left, I've mourned the loss of the trees exploding with their vibrant colors as though a crayon box threw up on them -- I l.o.v.e.d. it -- Fall isn't the only thing I mourn loosing, though -- I left friends I'd known since I (or they) were born and those who maybe I'd known just 10 years, but were like brothers and sisters to me... these weren't just High School buddies or Sorority sisters, these are the men and women I went to war with (clearly just an expression, I'm no G.I. Joe) - Yet, after the Great Break (you'll understand if you've read I'm Not, I'm Dan...), I had to leave because it was what I needed to do to move on and live the life I knew I was meant to...

This passed weekend I returned to Pennsylvania because my very close friend, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding and is having twins (lucky dawg), was having her baby shower -- It was wonderful... I stayed with my best friend, Le (who you can read about here) and her family the first night and I got all reconnected, ya know? Sunday I went to lunch with another great friend and bridesmaid, Jamie, who I just admire so much -- I went to Robin's Shower and I was able to visit with Joanna, Hillary, Hilary, Anita, Renee and... the list goes on -- I stayed that evening with Brenda, who is one of my mentors (more about her later) - we had a laughingly good time -- Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, I had breakfast with Michelle and her two sweet babies -- I am one lucky girl... one very loved woman --

Who I'm not telling you about are the others whom I went to war with, some were roomies, others acquaintances... each special in their own way, each have touched my heart, each I have let into my heart and loved them -- These men and women I no longer seem to know... I could no longer tell you their favorite restaurant or TV show, I couldn't tell you what they've been facing lately or what they did for their last birthday... I don't know them and they don't know me... anymore -- They have also loved and lost and they have chosen to move on in their own way... without me -- I guess that's fair, because I went my own way, too -- We have gone our own ways and with that, chosen our own perceptions of one another -- It's just that to loose them, to truly let go of and separate myself from their lives... really hurts --

As I was leaving the baby shower, I thanked the girls who were serving the alcohol and food and one of the girls I'd lost connection with grabbed me, took me around the corner and reassured me with slight laughter in her voice We're paying them to be here -- Because she knows (or knew) me so well, she knew I'd thought they were volunteering (sort of an inside joke) and I laughed so hard, I almost cried (it really was funny in the moment) --

I took that chance to connect with her... I just wanted you to know that while we don't communicate with each other, I think of you often -- I knew I risked sounding cliche, so I continued with a touch to her arm to stop her from brushing me off -- I'm serious... we lived 3 years together and we used to laugh so hard, we'd cry and nearly pee our pants -- You taught me how to laugh, you taught me to laugh at myself and you taught me to laugh at the stuff we can't control -- Only people you really love (and love you) can effect you the way you effected my life and you need to know that my first year of marriage was saved because I was able to laugh... You did that and I needed to know -- Now I was (almost) crying and she gave me a huge hug --

Her face softened, her clear misconceptions of me diminished and she was then vulnerable to me in a way she used to be and I was able to let her know Good, that just means you're normal, like the rest of us -- This amazing woman and I were two completely different people from 4 years ago since the Great Break -- We stood there looking at each other knowing that we used to be so close and in a moment's time, we were lifetimes apart -- While we may never really connect again, I had my closure that night... I was able to settle the loss of a best friend --

Why do I speak of loss? Because it's all around us... only the things we let in our hearts have the power to hurt us -- When you get married, it's likely the biggest risk you can take -- Too many face the loss of their marriage, their partner, the one person they made themselves most vulnerable too -- When I left Pennsylvania this last time, I left another piece of my heart behind, I closed relationships that will likely never be reopened, but I carry with me the gifts that they gave me and that was worth the risk of loving them --

I had another friend of mine, Michelle, call me out of the blue (which she's really good at) and after a 45 minute conversation we were saying our goodbye's and she stopped me... She said Anna, I know that when you love, you love deeply and it's been hard for you to separate yourself from everyone, but now that you're married, you have one love that's above all other loves... so love him and love him wholly, because he's the one love that's not going away --

If ever there were a man to love me, it would be Dan -- If there were ever a woman to love Dan, it would be me -- We love each other to the absolute best of our abilities and when we fall short, it is not purposeful, but simply out of ignorance -- I have learned to listen when he's not speaking and he's learned to hear me when I am -- We've learned to ask the right questions and wait for not the response we want, but the one that's given -- We will grow old together and know that it was better to have loved...

I'm not, I'm Dan...

For those of you who've asked...

I was 26 years old, heading to 27 like I was afraid I wouldn’t get there and just beginning to live my life – Having just left a 10 year abusive relationship (not with a man) which I like to refer to as "The Great Break", I was depressed, angry, in deep pain and utterly confused – I had more people telling me what they thought I should do than I have pairs of underwear and so the possibility of hearing my own voice was as likely as a fish understanding English – After six months of this tumultuous lifestyle, I knew the only way to truly find myself was to get away from everything/one that had defined who I was up until that point –

I found myself at my dad’s house for the next 6 months – My parents live in a town of about 500 people, so I knew I was safe from anyone and everyone’s influences (not that anyone knew I was there) – It was the best move I could have made, although the loss of closeness of so many friends was a bit torturous (love you, PA friends!) – I was able to take a deep breath; breathing in peace, acceptance, empathy and again… no opinions – My parents were a saving grace – Then, one year and 5 days from The Great Break, I found myself back in school pursuing my Master’s in Counseling, knowing full well I was there to get the counseling I needed for myself – It worked –

There I was in a new city, not knowing a soul, in my own apartment and living life completely on my own for the first time in my entire life – I stayed to myself for a year… I didn’t want anyone to know me and I didn’t want to know them – I didn’t want people to know my life story, where I’d been, what I’d accomplished or even why I was there at school – I just wanted to be…

It was another year later (for those of you who’ve lost track, it was now two years since the break up) and the few women I had let into my life, pulled me by my bra straps to a “Harbor Fest” for some good fun (did I just say good fun?) – As irony would have it, a few hours into our good fun and just as it was getting dark, I was separated from the girls – As I walked through a claustrophobic crowd of people, I was trying to hear my friend on the cell phone (over music being preformed by Collective Soul) who was telling me We’re over by the tree and as I look around, I see 26 trees (funny, Cynthia) – Next thing I know, I trip over someone’s foot –

I turn to see he is tall, incredibly handsome, blond, and had gorgeous blue eyes – I instinctively say in my most flirtatious voice I’m sorry! He reaches out his hand… I’m not, I’m Dan…