I'm Going Serious on You

It was Saturday night, the last performance of the season after rehearsing and performing for 4 months, 3-4 nights a week, 2-3 sometimes up to 6 hours each night -- We were sitting in the green room and our producer happened to ask So, where are you from? This is always a loaded question seeing as I'm a child of divorced parents and my home moved around. Easy answer? Born in Delaware. Raised in South and North Florida. First 10 years of my adulthood in Philadelphia area. Last 4 years in VA Beach and North Carolina. That's the easy version. Or, I could say I'm an East Coast Junkie

I always love it I'm lying when there's an opportunity to tell why my parents divorced. Oh, whoa is me, my mom left us when I was 18 months old. Seriously? I'm not a victim. It's just my story. Oh... now, I'm not saying I didn't used to be a victim or that it didn't used to give me great pleasure to rant and rave on and on about how I was a poor abandoned soul... but not now. I've grown up. You don't use a story like that to get people to feel sorry for you; it's not that shallow.

So, of course, her next question was Have you ever performed before this production? If she only knew haunting laughter that welled up inside me. I'd been performing since I was 4 y/o. She looked at me curiously when I explained it'd been nearly 5 years since I'd performed and someone practically had to drag me to the audition for "Alice" (you can read my initial feelings about it here) -- Of course, my emotions were suddenly prompted to turn to the memory channel of The Great Break (read here and here) -- It's a time in my life I'd like to forget and yet in that moment of complete panic, it hit me that This is my story... it made you who you are today and for the first time, I didn't feel resentment or fear, but gratitude for it.

I sang for 10 years within a church; soloist, small group, choir, special events. We weren't just 'any church choir', we had a Grammy Nominated CD, I let out without a breath. She looked at me questioningly and I knew what would come out her mouth before she did, so I went ahead and answered, Our music covered the multitude of filthy, rotten things going on behind the scenes, that's why I left. Of course her face became more interested and said panic started welling back up inside me. I hadn't told my story. It'd been nearly 5 years since The Great Break and only bits and pieces have come out; even to my counselor.

I explained how I hadn't returned to singing simply because it was drilled into me that I wasn't good enough, I didn't deserve to show my face on stage, people wouldn't come if they knew I'd be singing. These were the verbal and nonverbal messages I received for 10 years... so why would I return to music? Of course all the women now sitting in the Green Room were gaping at me, not believing what they were hearing, yet it wasn't registering with me that they couldn't believe someone would tell me those things. It was my norm. They knew differently and I realized it was time for me to see me differently.

Of course, since I was a little girl, I knew I'd write. This blog has been my outlet for a year now. My first post was 4/17/08 -- As I sat with 5 pairs of eyes glued to me as I told them just a piece of my story, I realized it was time to write it... I've already written the first chapter and even as I type this, right now, my heart is pounding and my stomach is clenching at the thought of sharing my most intimate experiences with you... but I know there's a reason.

Stay tuned...

It's My Birthday... I Can Cry If I Want To

1st Birthday, December 20th, 1978

Being a December baby and having 4 older siblings, Christmas was never the best time to have 15 little girls running around the house -- and what exactly does that mean? It means I never had a birthday party with my friends until I was 16 -- I guess our society makes a huge deal out of age 16 and for the first time in my life, I wanted... really wanted, to have a party -- I remember it was a Saturday and so what did I do? Seeing as I always waited until the last minute to do everything I loved living by the seat of my pants, so the morning of my birthday, I called every friend I knew and invited them over... Conclusion? Every. single. one. was. busy. -- go figure --

After sulking for hours on end in my room {because I hide my feelings so well}, my mom called me downstairs to have lunch with the family and give me my birthday presents -- When I walked through the dining room into our kitchen I hear a huge SURPRISE from the other room... There they all were... every friend who'd claimed to have other plans, my whole family, all the people I loved so much... they were all there to celebrate my birthday -- I. was. loved. --

On my 17th birthday I up and left this family to go and live with my biological mother who happened to live near the scariest city in the country the great City of Philadelphia -- This was 14 years ago, today -- It was 14 years ago today I started my venture toward The Great Break, a journey even an author couldn't have imagine and written about -- It was 14 years ago today I threw caution to the wind thought I knew what was best for me and started making my own choices -- Yet every with every birthday I turn one year older, I realize how much I don't know -- It was also 14 years ago that my mother turned 40 and it hit me today that 40 is only 9 years away -- 14 years ago today, I never would have thought I'd be so rich in life, married to a man that loves and adores me, graduated with my Master's Degree, in communication with my dearest friends, close to all of my family and on my way to actually fulling my dreams of opening my own practice and writing --

I have a dear friend (and I'd venture to say, a brother...), Stephen -- He was born on the 26th of December and for years we had a tradition of going Christmas shopping together and by the time our day was over we'd surprise each other, having bought a birthday present for each other -- We've know one another since he was born (seeing as he's younger, et-hem...) and we've had a many conversations about the pros cons of being a December baby -- Cons? Well... it seems that even if your family doesn't lump your presents together with Christmas, friends always do (Not Le, though... ur da bestest, :) There are other cons... such as not having a birthday party til your 16, but clearly I'm over that ;0) --

I could try listing Pros, but it seems Stephen and I could only ever really think of one that we just love... With every birthday, also comes a new year -- Cards say I hope this year brings all the happiness, love, dreams, hopes, desires or {insert wish here} -- Without fail, people are hoping for you that this next year will be a New Beginning and with my birthday, I always feel the joy of a new year approaching... another opportunity to move forward, accomplish one more dream, gain a little bit more wisdom and do a few things differently so I don't go completely insane that may not have worked in my prior years -- With my birthday, it's a truly a New Year and a fresh start...

Something new is that I'm sharing it with each of you, that is a really fun feeling -- Sometimes I feel like I'm just grateful not to be in a psych ward I've lived the life of a 50 year old woman and yet, I treasure my story -- Its grievances, traumas and heartbreaks have taught me that what hasn't killed me, has truly made me stronger because I've allowed them to -- They have also made me into the woman that I am today on my 31st birthday -- I look forward to what this year holds...

I thought it would be neat to see how I "progressed" through the years and then I thought 'heck' I bet my bloggy friends would find it fun, too! So... here I am! I'm not going to try and explain every pic... I'll just preface them with the fact that clearly I had serious blonde/brunette identity issues since I was 15 I went through a few shades of blonde before I realized God knew what he was doing making me a brunette ;0)

Better To Have Loved...

Remember when you were a little girl or boy and you had that favorite shirt, doll, superhero, or blankie? Do you remember the emotions that followed when one of those things was gone? Here is a picture of my sweet niece who was clearly very sad that all the stickers were gone:

If I could get away with it, this is the face I'd have every time my "stickers" were taken away -- Seriously... What is a life without stickers!? While we may be laughing, it's not funny to Cassidy because stickers really are what she loves at this time in her life -- As adults, we're all grown up and stickers are no longer the love, and therefore, loss of our lives -- Instead, we choose to make deeper and more significant things important to us -- We choose to open the door to our heart, let it take a seat and get comfortable, feed and nourish it, give it a bedroom and toiletries so to feel at home -- We choose to genuinely love it... them, him, her -- We choose to love and therefore create the risk of loss --

This is the risk we take when we love

I lived 10 years just 20 minutes outside Philadelphia and every fall since I left, I've mourned the loss of the trees exploding with their vibrant colors as though a crayon box threw up on them -- I l.o.v.e.d. it -- Fall isn't the only thing I mourn loosing, though -- I left friends I'd known since I (or they) were born and those who maybe I'd known just 10 years, but were like brothers and sisters to me... these weren't just High School buddies or Sorority sisters, these are the men and women I went to war with (clearly just an expression, I'm no G.I. Joe) - Yet, after the Great Break (you'll understand if you've read I'm Not, I'm Dan...), I had to leave because it was what I needed to do to move on and live the life I knew I was meant to...

This passed weekend I returned to Pennsylvania because my very close friend, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding and is having twins (lucky dawg), was having her baby shower -- It was wonderful... I stayed with my best friend, Le (who you can read about here) and her family the first night and I got all reconnected, ya know? Sunday I went to lunch with another great friend and bridesmaid, Jamie, who I just admire so much -- I went to Robin's Shower and I was able to visit with Joanna, Hillary, Hilary, Anita, Renee and... the list goes on -- I stayed that evening with Brenda, who is one of my mentors (more about her later) - we had a laughingly good time -- Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, I had breakfast with Michelle and her two sweet babies -- I am one lucky girl... one very loved woman --

Who I'm not telling you about are the others whom I went to war with, some were roomies, others acquaintances... each special in their own way, each have touched my heart, each I have let into my heart and loved them -- These men and women I no longer seem to know... I could no longer tell you their favorite restaurant or TV show, I couldn't tell you what they've been facing lately or what they did for their last birthday... I don't know them and they don't know me... anymore -- They have also loved and lost and they have chosen to move on in their own way... without me -- I guess that's fair, because I went my own way, too -- We have gone our own ways and with that, chosen our own perceptions of one another -- It's just that to loose them, to truly let go of and separate myself from their lives... really hurts --

As I was leaving the baby shower, I thanked the girls who were serving the alcohol and food and one of the girls I'd lost connection with grabbed me, took me around the corner and reassured me with slight laughter in her voice We're paying them to be here -- Because she knows (or knew) me so well, she knew I'd thought they were volunteering (sort of an inside joke) and I laughed so hard, I almost cried (it really was funny in the moment) --

I took that chance to connect with her... I just wanted you to know that while we don't communicate with each other, I think of you often -- I knew I risked sounding cliche, so I continued with a touch to her arm to stop her from brushing me off -- I'm serious... we lived 3 years together and we used to laugh so hard, we'd cry and nearly pee our pants -- You taught me how to laugh, you taught me to laugh at myself and you taught me to laugh at the stuff we can't control -- Only people you really love (and love you) can effect you the way you effected my life and you need to know that my first year of marriage was saved because I was able to laugh... You did that and I needed to know -- Now I was (almost) crying and she gave me a huge hug --

Her face softened, her clear misconceptions of me diminished and she was then vulnerable to me in a way she used to be and I was able to let her know Good, that just means you're normal, like the rest of us -- This amazing woman and I were two completely different people from 4 years ago since the Great Break -- We stood there looking at each other knowing that we used to be so close and in a moment's time, we were lifetimes apart -- While we may never really connect again, I had my closure that night... I was able to settle the loss of a best friend --

Why do I speak of loss? Because it's all around us... only the things we let in our hearts have the power to hurt us -- When you get married, it's likely the biggest risk you can take -- Too many face the loss of their marriage, their partner, the one person they made themselves most vulnerable too -- When I left Pennsylvania this last time, I left another piece of my heart behind, I closed relationships that will likely never be reopened, but I carry with me the gifts that they gave me and that was worth the risk of loving them --

I had another friend of mine, Michelle, call me out of the blue (which she's really good at) and after a 45 minute conversation we were saying our goodbye's and she stopped me... She said Anna, I know that when you love, you love deeply and it's been hard for you to separate yourself from everyone, but now that you're married, you have one love that's above all other loves... so love him and love him wholly, because he's the one love that's not going away --

If ever there were a man to love me, it would be Dan -- If there were ever a woman to love Dan, it would be me -- We love each other to the absolute best of our abilities and when we fall short, it is not purposeful, but simply out of ignorance -- I have learned to listen when he's not speaking and he's learned to hear me when I am -- We've learned to ask the right questions and wait for not the response we want, but the one that's given -- We will grow old together and know that it was better to have loved...