Not Me... No Never Me... Monday!

MckMama and Stellan are now in Boston, MA and it looks as though he'll be having heart surgery on his tiny 5 m/o heart tomorrow -- Again... please pray or think positive thoughts or whatever you may do for these sorts of situations... I know I will be --

OK... what haven't I done this last week??


Well, ladies and gents, I've been a little sickypoo and I can't stand that -- Although I'm not surprised as I have not spent the last three months rehearsing nearly 4. nights. a week. for a musical. It better be damn good or I will... well, likely I won't do anything, but I really hope it's worth it :)

I love old friends, new friends, life long friends and best friends -- Saturday I was able to see a Graduate School friend and if you went to college on any level, you know the special connection you have with those you toiled over presentations with, spent countless nights reviewing each other for tests, cried over relationships and had coffee at 7 in the morning before class b/c it was the only opportunity you guys had to talk about something other than school... -- Cynthia is one of those friends -- After a fantastic dinner in Ghent (quaint town north of where I live), we strolled with a cup of hot chocolate, talking about life's stuff -- As we rounded back to where our cars were we stood a while longer chatting it up when I suddenly did not realize that dinner had really done a number on my stomach -- Like really -- Just as I let out a 3rd silent toot... I did not let out a little more than I'd expected omg, I just said that on my blog -- I did not rudely hug Cynthia as fast I could, say how much I'd missed her and couldn't wait til we did it again as I sprinted across the road rushing into the bathroom... No. way. -- Not. Me. -- N.e.v.e.r. Me...

When you live in a small town this is not one reasons in addition to 6 ton tractor that go 5 mph, herd of cows crossing the road, flying pigs or waddling chickens you could 15 minutes late be late to work when you only live 10 minutes away -- Seriously, I do not live in Po-Dunk, USA -- Not Me!

Oh, and I did not take this picture whilst driving down the road - Definitely NOT ME!

It is NOT my SIL's Birthday today! She is a beautiful mother of 3, an amazing friend and an amazing encouragement in my life -- I couldn't be more happy that she's in our family!!! I think she'd be totally excited if y'all went over and said Happy Birthday to her and check out her lampshades!! :)

HAPPY MONDAY ALL!!!

I've got a VERY controversial post tomorrow...
hope I don't lose any followers! :)

It's My Birthday... I Can Cry If I Want To

1st Birthday, December 20th, 1978

Being a December baby and having 4 older siblings, Christmas was never the best time to have 15 little girls running around the house -- and what exactly does that mean? It means I never had a birthday party with my friends until I was 16 -- I guess our society makes a huge deal out of age 16 and for the first time in my life, I wanted... really wanted, to have a party -- I remember it was a Saturday and so what did I do? Seeing as I always waited until the last minute to do everything I loved living by the seat of my pants, so the morning of my birthday, I called every friend I knew and invited them over... Conclusion? Every. single. one. was. busy. -- go figure --

After sulking for hours on end in my room {because I hide my feelings so well}, my mom called me downstairs to have lunch with the family and give me my birthday presents -- When I walked through the dining room into our kitchen I hear a huge SURPRISE from the other room... There they all were... every friend who'd claimed to have other plans, my whole family, all the people I loved so much... they were all there to celebrate my birthday -- I. was. loved. --

On my 17th birthday I up and left this family to go and live with my biological mother who happened to live near the scariest city in the country the great City of Philadelphia -- This was 14 years ago, today -- It was 14 years ago today I started my venture toward The Great Break, a journey even an author couldn't have imagine and written about -- It was 14 years ago today I threw caution to the wind thought I knew what was best for me and started making my own choices -- Yet every with every birthday I turn one year older, I realize how much I don't know -- It was also 14 years ago that my mother turned 40 and it hit me today that 40 is only 9 years away -- 14 years ago today, I never would have thought I'd be so rich in life, married to a man that loves and adores me, graduated with my Master's Degree, in communication with my dearest friends, close to all of my family and on my way to actually fulling my dreams of opening my own practice and writing --

I have a dear friend (and I'd venture to say, a brother...), Stephen -- He was born on the 26th of December and for years we had a tradition of going Christmas shopping together and by the time our day was over we'd surprise each other, having bought a birthday present for each other -- We've know one another since he was born (seeing as he's younger, et-hem...) and we've had a many conversations about the pros cons of being a December baby -- Cons? Well... it seems that even if your family doesn't lump your presents together with Christmas, friends always do (Not Le, though... ur da bestest, :) There are other cons... such as not having a birthday party til your 16, but clearly I'm over that ;0) --

I could try listing Pros, but it seems Stephen and I could only ever really think of one that we just love... With every birthday, also comes a new year -- Cards say I hope this year brings all the happiness, love, dreams, hopes, desires or {insert wish here} -- Without fail, people are hoping for you that this next year will be a New Beginning and with my birthday, I always feel the joy of a new year approaching... another opportunity to move forward, accomplish one more dream, gain a little bit more wisdom and do a few things differently so I don't go completely insane that may not have worked in my prior years -- With my birthday, it's a truly a New Year and a fresh start...

Something new is that I'm sharing it with each of you, that is a really fun feeling -- Sometimes I feel like I'm just grateful not to be in a psych ward I've lived the life of a 50 year old woman and yet, I treasure my story -- Its grievances, traumas and heartbreaks have taught me that what hasn't killed me, has truly made me stronger because I've allowed them to -- They have also made me into the woman that I am today on my 31st birthday -- I look forward to what this year holds...

I thought it would be neat to see how I "progressed" through the years and then I thought 'heck' I bet my bloggy friends would find it fun, too! So... here I am! I'm not going to try and explain every pic... I'll just preface them with the fact that clearly I had serious blonde/brunette identity issues since I was 15 I went through a few shades of blonde before I realized God knew what he was doing making me a brunette ;0)

NOT ME MONDAY!

Inspired by MckMama and her MSC*

So today's post is not going to be a typical "Not Me Monday" -- I'm too deep in thought to be funny (but I'll try and pull a few out here and there ;0)

First and foremost, I absolutely would never try to clean up my computer by storing pics on CD's and then deleting them off my hard drive only to realize I deleted every. single. picture. on. my. blog. -- Seriously, I could not be that stupid -- If you happened to visit my site Wednesday or Thursday of last week, you would not have found an empty blog and if you spoke with me, you would not have heard me say every choice word known to our human race... and I would never spend hours uploading all my pics back because I absolutely do not care that much :) -- Nope! Not Me!

Now this is what I really want to talk about today -- An award I did not receive (of course we all understand that I did in fact receive it) -- I didn't even know this award was going around until this sweet blogger tagged me with it -- It has to do with friendship...

Interestingly enough, I would never be facing, for the first time in my life, the difficulty of meeting and having friends where I live -- Growing up the youngest of 5 children, I was the social butterfly and always had a plethora of friends surrounding me like a cloud of smoke -- I was the one who was involved in every extracurricular activity -- And I was the one who had to attend every wedding/baby shower even if it meant driving a 10 hour round trip -- And what does this little issue bring to light? The loss of the friendships I had... or thought I had from the Great Break --

Of all the awards I've received, this one has touched me the most because friendship is so important to me -- When someone considers me a friend, I take it as one of the highest honors -- I'm terrible (as you may or may not have noticed) at "playing by the rules" when it comes to being tagged -- But this one I really wanted to play and I've put a lot of thought into whom I am tagging with it -- Something I've learned, and this is recent, is that friendship doesn't necessarily come from long drawn out talks or years of knowing one another (although those things certainly add the depth of the friendship) -- An aspect of Friendship is a connection...

Since I've started blogging (in April 08) I've felt a connection to several women who blog -- This connection often occurs when I read about something they've written that is very honest, heart felt and down to earth... something that the everyday woman (who's being honest with herself) can relate to -- I've had more women than I ever thought I would, email me or comment on how much they appreciate my being so honest and real about newlywed life and how I put into words what they'd been feeling and couldn't say themselves -- Well... to me, that is the connection I'm talking about when it comes to friendship and I want to award these bloggers for doing that for me...

Here are the rules:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find, and be friends with. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement*. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

1. Put the logo on your blog (check)

2. Add a link to the person who awarded you (NewlywedCentral) (you'll have to check this one :)

3. Nominate 8-10 other blogs (check... well, almost)

4. Add links to those blogs on yours (check)

5. Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs (on my way...)

First... I would never have to look up what self-aggrandizement meant and here's what I found

*N. "an act undertaken to increase your own power
and influence or to draw attention to your own importance"

Nice to know my blog is not perceived as doing this (like, for real) and here are my choices...

Sass over at The Life of Sass -- If there were ever someone who could add a dose of laughter to my day, it's her -- She reminds me to laugh during life's most difficult of times and her resilience of what she has to face with her son inspires me -- Thanks, Sass -- I feel a connection with you --

Amy over at Chapters -- Amy's posts are really vulnerable -- she has a way of expressing her life in the most down to earth manner and that makes her incredibly relatable -- Thanks, Amy -- I feel a connection with you --

MckMama over at My Charming Kids -- I've written about her to the point where you all might think I'm a little over the top about it all... but her incredibly honest portrayal of her children and her life has inspired me to not be afraid of wanting kids -- Thanks, MckMama -- I feel a connection with you --

Cocaine Princess -- While her lifestyle is one that I imagine a lot of women would dream of having, she's clearly been touched by tragedy in such a way that makes her very sensitive to the lives around her -- I love that she always comments on my posts... even if they're short and silly -- Thanks, CP -- I feel a connection with you --

Lyndsay over at All Things Fluffy, Fashionable and Famous -- This woman's vibrancy SHINES through her blog -- The fact that she loves life and she's all kinds of happy makes me smile and really treasure her enthusiasm for friendship -- Thanks, Lyndsay -- I feel a connection with you --

Becky over at Smile It's Becky -- And boy do I ever! As a former Kindergarten Teacher, I hear where she's coming from and her stories make me ROTFLOL (rolling on the floor laughing out loud) -- I know we'd be friends if we lived close -- Thanks, Becky -- I feel a connection with you --

Elizabeth over at Escape From Dullsville -- I often find myself reading her blog and thinking "That's exactly how I'd feel, say it, do it, etc..." -- She's a girl living the suburbia life and living to tell us about it -- Thanks, Elizabeth -- I feel a connection with you --

OK... so I would never renege from something I said and only follow the rules partially :) Nope! Not Me!

*Many Small Children

Better To Have Loved...

Remember when you were a little girl or boy and you had that favorite shirt, doll, superhero, or blankie? Do you remember the emotions that followed when one of those things was gone? Here is a picture of my sweet niece who was clearly very sad that all the stickers were gone:

If I could get away with it, this is the face I'd have every time my "stickers" were taken away -- Seriously... What is a life without stickers!? While we may be laughing, it's not funny to Cassidy because stickers really are what she loves at this time in her life -- As adults, we're all grown up and stickers are no longer the love, and therefore, loss of our lives -- Instead, we choose to make deeper and more significant things important to us -- We choose to open the door to our heart, let it take a seat and get comfortable, feed and nourish it, give it a bedroom and toiletries so to feel at home -- We choose to genuinely love it... them, him, her -- We choose to love and therefore create the risk of loss --

This is the risk we take when we love

I lived 10 years just 20 minutes outside Philadelphia and every fall since I left, I've mourned the loss of the trees exploding with their vibrant colors as though a crayon box threw up on them -- I l.o.v.e.d. it -- Fall isn't the only thing I mourn loosing, though -- I left friends I'd known since I (or they) were born and those who maybe I'd known just 10 years, but were like brothers and sisters to me... these weren't just High School buddies or Sorority sisters, these are the men and women I went to war with (clearly just an expression, I'm no G.I. Joe) - Yet, after the Great Break (you'll understand if you've read I'm Not, I'm Dan...), I had to leave because it was what I needed to do to move on and live the life I knew I was meant to...

This passed weekend I returned to Pennsylvania because my very close friend, who was a bridesmaid in my wedding and is having twins (lucky dawg), was having her baby shower -- It was wonderful... I stayed with my best friend, Le (who you can read about here) and her family the first night and I got all reconnected, ya know? Sunday I went to lunch with another great friend and bridesmaid, Jamie, who I just admire so much -- I went to Robin's Shower and I was able to visit with Joanna, Hillary, Hilary, Anita, Renee and... the list goes on -- I stayed that evening with Brenda, who is one of my mentors (more about her later) - we had a laughingly good time -- Lastly, but most certainly not leastly, I had breakfast with Michelle and her two sweet babies -- I am one lucky girl... one very loved woman --

Who I'm not telling you about are the others whom I went to war with, some were roomies, others acquaintances... each special in their own way, each have touched my heart, each I have let into my heart and loved them -- These men and women I no longer seem to know... I could no longer tell you their favorite restaurant or TV show, I couldn't tell you what they've been facing lately or what they did for their last birthday... I don't know them and they don't know me... anymore -- They have also loved and lost and they have chosen to move on in their own way... without me -- I guess that's fair, because I went my own way, too -- We have gone our own ways and with that, chosen our own perceptions of one another -- It's just that to loose them, to truly let go of and separate myself from their lives... really hurts --

As I was leaving the baby shower, I thanked the girls who were serving the alcohol and food and one of the girls I'd lost connection with grabbed me, took me around the corner and reassured me with slight laughter in her voice We're paying them to be here -- Because she knows (or knew) me so well, she knew I'd thought they were volunteering (sort of an inside joke) and I laughed so hard, I almost cried (it really was funny in the moment) --

I took that chance to connect with her... I just wanted you to know that while we don't communicate with each other, I think of you often -- I knew I risked sounding cliche, so I continued with a touch to her arm to stop her from brushing me off -- I'm serious... we lived 3 years together and we used to laugh so hard, we'd cry and nearly pee our pants -- You taught me how to laugh, you taught me to laugh at myself and you taught me to laugh at the stuff we can't control -- Only people you really love (and love you) can effect you the way you effected my life and you need to know that my first year of marriage was saved because I was able to laugh... You did that and I needed to know -- Now I was (almost) crying and she gave me a huge hug --

Her face softened, her clear misconceptions of me diminished and she was then vulnerable to me in a way she used to be and I was able to let her know Good, that just means you're normal, like the rest of us -- This amazing woman and I were two completely different people from 4 years ago since the Great Break -- We stood there looking at each other knowing that we used to be so close and in a moment's time, we were lifetimes apart -- While we may never really connect again, I had my closure that night... I was able to settle the loss of a best friend --

Why do I speak of loss? Because it's all around us... only the things we let in our hearts have the power to hurt us -- When you get married, it's likely the biggest risk you can take -- Too many face the loss of their marriage, their partner, the one person they made themselves most vulnerable too -- When I left Pennsylvania this last time, I left another piece of my heart behind, I closed relationships that will likely never be reopened, but I carry with me the gifts that they gave me and that was worth the risk of loving them --

I had another friend of mine, Michelle, call me out of the blue (which she's really good at) and after a 45 minute conversation we were saying our goodbye's and she stopped me... She said Anna, I know that when you love, you love deeply and it's been hard for you to separate yourself from everyone, but now that you're married, you have one love that's above all other loves... so love him and love him wholly, because he's the one love that's not going away --

If ever there were a man to love me, it would be Dan -- If there were ever a woman to love Dan, it would be me -- We love each other to the absolute best of our abilities and when we fall short, it is not purposeful, but simply out of ignorance -- I have learned to listen when he's not speaking and he's learned to hear me when I am -- We've learned to ask the right questions and wait for not the response we want, but the one that's given -- We will grow old together and know that it was better to have loved...

The Reality of Happily Ever After

Reality is so much more interesting than Happily Ever After
Grey's Anatomy

I must preface this post by stating the fact that I'm not one that buys into the Hollywood fantasy life -- I realize that behind the drama of love and bliss are lights, cameras and cue cards -- So... why would I be using a quote from one of the very shows I don't buy into? Because I love irony...

If there were ever a Romantic Optimist, her name would be Anna (that's me!) -- and if there were ever a Realistic Realist, his name would be Dan (that's my husband!) and if there were ever a couple more different... that would be Anna and Dan (that's us!) -- I would love to tell you that our days are filled with joyous laughter, sweet nothings and whispers of love in each others ears... but I won't lie -- Although my life growing up was the farthest picture from fantasy, I most certainly believed that because my marriage would be mine, I would make it picture perfect -- (do I hear laughter?)

Dan and I celebrated one year of what some would refer to as the 'Happily Ever After' time period this past weekend and I'm alive to tell you about it... that's a good sign -- As a writer, I could use a lot of fluffy words to tell you about our blissfully romantic getaway and all the sweet lovey-dovey things we did, and you might just even ooh and aah over it all, but you get enough of that on Gossip Girl, Grey's and Desperate Housewives -- I want you to see that while Dan and my life, as Chapters says, is perfect, even when its not, it's by no means a fantasy, it's reality and it's so much more interesting than Happily Ever After --

Looking back is healthy and helps you move forward if you look properly -- Sometimes I feel like we have to see where we've been to remind us of where we're going -- I see milestones, such as our one year anniversary, as opportunities to stop within the whirlwind of life and refocus our lives on what's important -- In discussing our first year together, I asked Dan what his favorite part of our first year was and he said he'd have to think about it... (surprised?) Well, being me, I'd already thought about my favorite stuff -- It came down to two things... 1) I feel more secure and stable now than I ever have... I truly belong somewhere and I'm wanted there -- 2) We've become and are continuing to become best friends --

Dan and I knew each other all of 4 months when he proposed -- Yep..... something I vowed I'd never do, I did it -- Although then I told him I wanted 4 more seasons together -- Unbeknown to us, those next 4 seasons were filled with more stresses than one should ever have to endure -- Planning the wedding, full-time school, part-time work, interning 25 hours a week, commuting back and forth to Dan's (an hour away), Dan's father dying, building a house, moving to a new city and.............. do you need more? It wasn't exactly a breeding ground for mushy gushy, although we understood if we could make it through those times, we could make it through anything --

Once we put ourselves in a situation where we were inevitably inseparable (a little something called marriage), we had the opportunity to either become the best of friends or the greatest of enemies -- Some of you may have had the luxury of being friends first -- Clearly, Dan and I liked each other and certainly loved one another enough to marry, but true friendship takes a long time to develop -- What I've discovered and now hold as my true belief is Friendship is not born out of love, but love is born from friendship -- The reality of this friendship is so much more invigorating than a fantasy wonderland relationship --

The truest and most intimate of times are when Dan and I look at each other and know what we're thinking or when I hear stress in Dan's voice and I'm able to make him laugh -- How Dan can make fun of me when I get a shit-eatin' grin on my face while watching a romantic movie or the fact that I can bust on Dan for over exaggerating and he on me for overreacting to nothing -- How we don't have to explain ourselves when we're in a poopy mood and we're short with each other and the way we laugh about nothing until we can't breath -- It's being able to need alone time without the other getting offended and asking one another about our days because we sincerely care -- It's the kisses goodbye and love ya's before we hang up -- It's really the small things that make our marriage what it is --

So, today or any other time when you're bumming about your marriage not being what you'd expected it to be, think about what really matters... think of how the real things, the small things, the behind the scene things are what's keeping your marriage alive and kickin' -- Those are the things that make up your Happily Ever After --

p.s. --

I have a little secret that's helped me along through my first year -- There is a well renown Marriage and Family Therapist I just absolutely love -- His name is John Gottman and you can find out more about him by clicking here -- He wrote a book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work and the wisdom found in these pages is incredible -- I'm not one for just do these 10 things and you'll have a perfect life kind of books, but I did read through certain sections I knew I personally had issues with and it really helped --

p.p.s. --

Dan and I went here for our one year anniversary -- It's on an island in NC called Ocracoke -- I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who wants to truly escape reality for a few days ;0)

Seriously?

I don't know that I have too many friends whose first description of me would be she's the serious type -- Yet, truth be told, I am -- I take life to heart, I see people's lives through a lens of possibility, I seize moments that matter and I'm constantly writing about it in my mind so I can share all of it with readers like you -- With this, I'm naturally a free spirit who loves spontaneity, emotion, heart felt stories and kicking back on a crisp fall day with a cup-o-joe -- I like positive perspectives and when things don't turn out as positively, my heart breaks --

I sat in a trance, staring at the children sitting at my tutoring table -- They were doing their work so diligently and concentrating with every cell in their body -- As I gave instruction on how to read a word or figure a math problem, I watched them soaking up the information like a sponge to water -- At one point, I saw Alayna (name changed) writing, erasing, re-writing and repeating this sequence several times over it hit me that she was struggling to learn a skill that was second hand to me -- She was so serious --

It brought thoughts to my mind of middle/high school girls struggling to fit in or be the most popular -- They go to extreme lengths to feel beautiful, accepted, loved -- They use internet sites (not in my day, we still used typewriters) to create cliques and slander other girls so they can feel like they're at the top of the food chain, per se -- They don't eat for weeks so they can look glamorous in a prom dress or have the attention of whom they believe to be their fateful prince -- They give their bodies away in hopes to finally feel that complete fulfillment -- They are so serious --

I then see the college age students, giving up everything because they've got to get the A -- To be at the head of their class -- They give up dinners, parties, movie night, relationships and sleeping all to graduate valedictorian (I can barely spell it!) -- They move into the high rolling career and they loose themselves in it, it becomes who they are, what they breath, eat and sleep... it consumes their very being -- It's all so serious --

Then I see myself -- newly married -- While I didn't give up my family and friends, they most certainly lost me for a while -- I chose Dan over a lot of activities, girls nights out or study groups (when in school) -- I went from putting my all into our relationship to making it my all -- It took me about six months to realize I could come out of my newlywed self and interact with the world and I wouldn't loose my marriage -- I know this may sound kind of funny... but when you're first married, things seem fragile -- Every lesson learned seems ginormous and every word spoken seems like it's worth its weight in gold -- Then you learn that he/she is not going anywhere and you can relax... We were so serious -- (at least I was)

Now, when I enter my office and sit with women whose lives have been tortured not only recently, but since the time they breathed their first breath of air, my heart immediately attaches to their pain, emotions run high and all my natural and learned gifts come flying to the surface -- I am serious -- When I read blogs like My Charming Kids and Bring the Rain my perspective changes about what battles are worth fighting, what lessons are worth my energy and what life's truest purposes are -- their lives are serious --

I know that when your spouse is getting on your nerves or it seems like your job is at risk or your mortgage payment is overwhelming your finances life can be so serious -- Yet, what matters most, whether you can see it or not, is having your family alive and healthy, having friends who will pick you up and stand with you through life's truest crises, having a spouse who loves every part of your being and believing in a God who doesn't change although everything around us is evolving at light speed --

What I'm saying in all this is this.... What seems so serious to us today, will be a mere lesson learned tomorrow -- So here's to enjoying the sunsets, hearing children laughing, hugs from your spouse/friends/family, quiet moments with your faith and the beauty of creation -- Think twice about taking what you're facing so seriously... this too shall pass, but the truly serious issues of life will be with you for eternity --