I always love it
So, of course, her next question was Have you ever performed before this production? If she only knew haunting laughter that welled up inside me. I'd been performing since I was 4 y/o. She looked at me curiously when I explained it'd been nearly 5 years since I'd performed and someone practically had to drag me to the audition for "Alice" (you can read my initial feelings about it here) -- Of course, my emotions were suddenly prompted to turn to the memory channel of The Great Break (read here and here) -- It's a time in my life I'd like to forget and yet in that moment of complete panic, it hit me that This is my story... it made you who you are today and for the first time, I didn't feel resentment or fear, but gratitude for it.
I sang for 10 years within a church; soloist, small group, choir, special events. We weren't just 'any church choir', we had a Grammy Nominated CD, I let out without a breath. She looked at me questioningly and I knew what would come out her mouth before she did, so I went ahead and answered, Our music covered the multitude of filthy, rotten things going on behind the scenes, that's why I left. Of course her face became more interested and said panic started welling back up inside me. I hadn't told my story. It'd been nearly 5 years since The Great Break and only bits and pieces have come out; even to my counselor.
I explained how I hadn't returned to singing simply because it was drilled into me that I wasn't good enough, I didn't deserve to show my face on stage, people wouldn't come if they knew I'd be singing. These were the verbal and nonverbal messages I received for 10 years... so why would I return to music? Of course all the women now sitting in the Green Room were gaping at me, not believing what they were hearing, yet it wasn't registering with me that they couldn't believe someone would tell me those things. It was my norm. They knew differently and I realized it was time for me to see me differently.
Of course, since I was a little girl, I knew I'd write. This blog has been my outlet for a year now. My first post was 4/17/08 -- As I sat with 5 pairs of eyes glued to me as I told them just a piece of my story, I realized it was time to write it... I've already written the first chapter and even as I type this, right now, my heart is pounding and my stomach is clenching at the thought of sharing my most intimate experiences with you... but I know there's a reason.