Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm Going Serious on You

It was Saturday night, the last performance of the season after rehearsing and performing for 4 months, 3-4 nights a week, 2-3 sometimes up to 6 hours each night -- We were sitting in the green room and our producer happened to ask So, where are you from? This is always a loaded question seeing as I'm a child of divorced parents and my home moved around. Easy answer? Born in Delaware. Raised in South and North Florida. First 10 years of my adulthood in Philadelphia area. Last 4 years in VA Beach and North Carolina. That's the easy version. Or, I could say I'm an East Coast Junkie

I always love it I'm lying when there's an opportunity to tell why my parents divorced. Oh, whoa is me, my mom left us when I was 18 months old. Seriously? I'm not a victim. It's just my story. Oh... now, I'm not saying I didn't used to be a victim or that it didn't used to give me great pleasure to rant and rave on and on about how I was a poor abandoned soul... but not now. I've grown up. You don't use a story like that to get people to feel sorry for you; it's not that shallow.

So, of course, her next question was Have you ever performed before this production? If she only knew haunting laughter that welled up inside me. I'd been performing since I was 4 y/o. She looked at me curiously when I explained it'd been nearly 5 years since I'd performed and someone practically had to drag me to the audition for "Alice" (you can read my initial feelings about it here) -- Of course, my emotions were suddenly prompted to turn to the memory channel of The Great Break (read here and here) -- It's a time in my life I'd like to forget and yet in that moment of complete panic, it hit me that This is my story... it made you who you are today and for the first time, I didn't feel resentment or fear, but gratitude for it.

I sang for 10 years within a church; soloist, small group, choir, special events. We weren't just 'any church choir', we had a Grammy Nominated CD, I let out without a breath. She looked at me questioningly and I knew what would come out her mouth before she did, so I went ahead and answered, Our music covered the multitude of filthy, rotten things going on behind the scenes, that's why I left. Of course her face became more interested and said panic started welling back up inside me. I hadn't told my story. It'd been nearly 5 years since The Great Break and only bits and pieces have come out; even to my counselor.

I explained how I hadn't returned to singing simply because it was drilled into me that I wasn't good enough, I didn't deserve to show my face on stage, people wouldn't come if they knew I'd be singing. These were the verbal and nonverbal messages I received for 10 years... so why would I return to music? Of course all the women now sitting in the Green Room were gaping at me, not believing what they were hearing, yet it wasn't registering with me that they couldn't believe someone would tell me those things. It was my norm. They knew differently and I realized it was time for me to see me differently.

Of course, since I was a little girl, I knew I'd write. This blog has been my outlet for a year now. My first post was 4/17/08 -- As I sat with 5 pairs of eyes glued to me as I told them just a piece of my story, I realized it was time to write it... I've already written the first chapter and even as I type this, right now, my heart is pounding and my stomach is clenching at the thought of sharing my most intimate experiences with you... but I know there's a reason.

Stay tuned...

10 comments:

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

Wow, you have quite the story!

Can't wait to read more...

-Heather

LyndsAU said...

I can't wait to hear more!! You are one amazing woman :)

writing4612 said...

I always say if my story helps someone else, it's worth it.

I know how hard it is to tell those stories that are such a part of you to someone else. Millions of thoughts run through your head, and you feel like you're going to throw up.

It's about trusting others and knowing they like you for you, no matter what your story is as long as your REAL with them. Everyone is looking for something real amidst women with fake boobs and fake tans.

Cynthia said...

You just keep taking those deep breaths and writing...right on through the pounding heart and clenched stomach. It's necessary. It's freeing. It takes pain and turns it into art.
:^)
C

O.M.G. said...

awww...keep writing your story. i appreciate your vulnerability. we all have a story and hearing another person tell theirs, helps everyone realize it's OK to have a "story" full of pain & heartache & shame. we can still become amazing and wonderful people through it!

Ashley said...

You are amazing for being vulnerable and being willing to tell your story.

I can't wait to read more and see how you transform as you let out this obviously very important part of you.

Saskia said...

You're inspirational. You're honest and I think it's fantastic. However hard it may be, I think you'll feel better for writing everything down, even if you never post it.

Saskia x

Rachel said...

Just found your blog and want to say HI! I live Norfolk, and like reading blogs of other people nearby!

Sara said...

It always makes me sad to hear stories of divorce. My husband's parents divorced when he was eight months old and mine when I was 29. I'm not which was better or worse to be honest.

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